NFL vs Trump vs North Korea

It is football season and every weekend my man and I are poised in front of the television watching college and NFL games. This is a time to relax, let go of life’s responsibilities and connect with each other. This past weekend, while watching NFL, it was made clear that something had happened to cause great controversy. The leader of our great nation had basically declared war on the NFL due to the peaceful protests of some players that had been kneeling during the national anthem. In an effort to feel united after this attack by Trump, many teams stood with linked arms and continued to allow other players to kneel or peacefully protest in whatever way they chose to do so. In my opinion this is their right and by no means does it detract from the entertaining game of passion and strategy. The real threat for me lies on the other side of the earth in another country. Unlike the men who simply want to bring light to racial dissension across their country which is supposed to be the land of the free, this is a threat that could potentially cause significant loss of life around the globe.

Social media is blowing up since Sunday with photos of players kneeling and boycott stances against the NFL. Television shows are talking and even holding interviews with the flag itself to discuss the disrespect it is enduring. Discussions are dragging military and veterans into the fight. Lists are created with what teams, owners and players did for the anthem. Celebrities and  anthem singers have taken stands (or a knee) in support or opposition of the movement. Some are completely clueless as to the origins of the ‘take a knee’ protest and others have just created their own meaning of the importance and impact on the country. The real issue for me is that our President decided to use negative words to attack citizens of our great country for standing up (or more specifically taking a knee) for what they believe in. I thought that was what our country was founded on, the ability to have our own beliefs and act on them without fear or persecution.

It is no secret that I do not support this president. As a centrist, and an independent voter, I cannot wrap my mind around the behaviors of Donald Trump. He takes to Twitter to attack… well, EVERYONE! He has waged war on Democrats, his own administration and regular citizens... and the whole world is watching and reading his every (seemingly ignorant) word. He uses more negative language, including name-calling, than my two teenaged daughters! They would never take to social media to tear apart someone’s reputation. Donald Trump does this on a daily basis, most recently tweeting words that have caused North Korea to feel as though he has declared war on their country. Yes, Kim Jong-un is guilty of horrific acts, but most mentally intact people know you do not taunt an unstable person. Trump has repeatedly called him “Little Rocket Man”. There are no words to describe my appall at this type of name-calling.  In this situation we have one mentally unstable person taunting another mentally unstable person at the expense of not only the United States but the entire world!

The NFL drama is an intriguing focus of people who do not follow politics. Becoming offended at others’ outcries for respect is easy when you come from a different lifestyle. The term privilege is being thrown around and that makes people very uncomfortable. As a social worker I am no stranger to that term, as well as ‘social justice’. My so-called Facebook friends see disrespectful black people keeping racism alive. (This is not a topic that I choose to tackle in this writing.) What amazes me is that the very people boycotting the NFL for the peaceful protests, because it shows a lack of respect for the country and flag, are more concerned with that than the fact that North Korea has tested their missiles several times with the goals of reaching and destroying Chicago, a city that is not far from my small hometown! Do people not see the impact that could have on our physical lives, our families and loved ones!? Not to mention how a high altitude detonation of a hydrogen bomb would create an electromagnetic pulse (EMP) attack on our power grid, which could potentially bring the US to its knees, including hospitals, data networks and every technology our lives rely on. Officials have stated that the US is not protected against this type of attack, one that could cause loss of 90 percent of our population within a year of an EMP crippling attack. Is this all worse case scenario? Maybe, but what is the worse case scenario if we allow athletes to kneel during the anthem?! Not a loss of life at 90 percent!

My next question is, with all of this North Korean rhetoric happening, why is our president creating situations that pit American against American? Do you really believe our government and pentagon are discussing the NFL and people on their knees more than our national security!? You are sadly mistaken if you think they are. Our president is using diversion tactics to keep the country divided to slide his agenda(s) under the noses of the laypeople who are more concerned with the NFL’s stance on peaceful protest than what he just did to piss off a foreign enemy on the cusp of capabilities of mass destruction. There is so much more to this, but I feel it is a waste of my time to get into with people who only see things from their couches. I admit I am not “woke” to the intricacies of politics as much as others, but I also am not willing to boycott my favorite entertainment pastime when I know there are so many other threats on the horizon. I am NOT willing to fight with my fellow Americans over their actions that do not affect me personally when there are countries itching to go to war with us. And in the end, I can only hope that people become more aware of this president’s diversionary behaviors and allow others their freedoms without judgement. I can also hope for cheaper NFL tickets for my man and me! And yes, I will stand during the anthem!

Labels... Who Am I?

“If you label it this, then it can’t be that.” - Tom Wolfe, American author and journalist

What labels do I give myself? I am caucasian, a woman, hetrosexual, a mother, divorced… But there are so many other labels people give themselves that I do not want to submit to. Some labels I don’t even understand. This became apparent  when I was using an online dating site. As if dating in your 40s isn’t hard enough it is now convoluted with new labels that define people beyond what many of us who have spent most of our adult lives in a marriage can comprehend.

While setting up my online dating profile I was asked if I am “gay, straight, bisexual or other.” That was easy; I identify as straight or as I like to say hetrosexual because “straight” insinuates others may be ‘crooked’, ‘bent’ or not normal. Later it wanted me to clarify my sexual identity even more with terms that even I, a social worker and liberal thinker, had to look up. I understood homoflexible, asexual, heteroflexible and pansexual, but was confused at demisexual and sapiosexual. Being the curious person I am I googled the new terms.

Demisexual defines someone who has to have a deep emotional connection to someone in order to be sexually attracted to them. I pondered this and realized that was not me and therefore I was still correct checking the ‘straight’ box. Then I found the definition for sapiosexual, meaning someone who is sexually attracted to intelligence, which does define me to an extent. I have always said that deep conversation and a sound opinion, coupled with an open mind, is what turns me on. But this new label potentially takes me out of the straight category... or does it!?! Could that mean I am attracted to women who are intelligent? I am not, but this new “label” could indicate that since I am no longer in the “straight” category. This conundrum is when I am certain my head was ready to implode. Why are there so many labels? I cannot check just one box! Hell, there are times when I even fit into the demisexual box. I do like the specifications of these new labels, but it used to be as easy as saying, “I think a smart man is sexy.” Younger generations have taken it further and began using these technical labels for everything and I am not ready to conform! I definitely refuse to check the conformist box!!

Speaking of conforming, it is a time that labels are rampant in the political realm. There are Republicans, Democrats (or Dems), Centrists, Independents,  Libtards, Snowflakes and Trump Supporters. Yeah, that last one has enough of a negative connotation that it is a “label” in and of itself in my life. I normally label myself liberal but I am also a gun-loving liberal and have some views that fit with the right-wing agenda. I only recently began using the term “Liberal Centrist” but again I do not feel confident in this. Labels just do not cut it for me. I feel it needs explanation… unless you are a ‘Trump Supporter’, that label tells me enough about the box you fit in. Sad, but true. But if I choose one label then it seems I cannot have any part of the other labels and that is too confining.

There are also labels for religion, and again I do not fit into a perfect box. Am I agnostic because I believe in a higher power or atheist because there are times when I think the idea of a ‘God’ controlling my life is completely narcissistic and ridiculous? I don’t feel I am a Christian, though I believe there was a wonderful man named Jesus who walked the earth. Unfortunately other men have embellished his story to their liking and needs, in turn changing Christianity from the just and kind ways Jesus wanted it to be. This is another area where not fitting into a certain box can create many issues. If I say I do not check the Christianity box people may either severely judge me or try to sway me. If I submit to the opposite a lot of other assumptions are made about me. This is a subject I rarely discuss because religion and politics are rarely safe conversations.

Relationships are an easier topic to tackle. As of late, there has been the issue of defining my relationship with a man I adore. He sweetly asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend, a label I gladly accepted. I later pondered if at 42 I should use the word “boyfriend” because he is hardly a boy. The important part for me is that we defined our relationship in terms of monogamy and commitment. The label and reaction of others to “girlfriend, boyfriend, significant other, lover”, etc. are simply nothing to worry about. Once we defined the foundation, what label I use socially isn’t as important to me. Maybe all these other issues I have spoken of should follow suit. Dating, religion, politics… once I know my foundational beliefs then the rest, especially the labels, has to have conversations around it. Whether talking to friends, strangers, or lovers, conversation is the key.

Labels clearly give me pause and I am cautious about the labels I use to define myself, because like the opening quote states, to label myself one way doesn’t leave room for me to be another way. The important part is communication between self and others. Younger generations have done a great job of expanding the minds of society, albeit adding so many other labels and boxes to check. Having to place myself into new boxes with fear of being stuck there makes me uncomfortable. Knowing that these new labels are creating more conversations and potentially opening the minds of some traditional-minded people brings much joy to me, as well as those who now have more appropriate labels to use, and boxes to check, in order to define themselves. The mere fact that I enjoy having a conversation about these new social practices and the fact that I am attracted to a man that can do the same does fit me into that sapiosexual box, I suppose. Though I did not check that box on the dating profile, I still found a man who intrigues me with his mind. All it took was some in depth conversation to find this out, not a label. And one thing I am sure of is that I will always label myself a conversationalist.

Savage AF

“This never happened!” This statement, coupled with a fist bump, was what earned me the title ‘Savage’. Urban Dictionary (yes, we have to take this source seriously as the usage of this word falls into the confines of slang) defines ‘savage’ as committing an act with no regard for other people's feelings. Contrary to my initial rejection of this title, I will own being savage for no other reason than to empower my fellow single women who have been on the receiving end of savage acts… plus it is a comic embellishment to my barstool storytelling.

Women have long been on the losing end of a ‘hit it and quit it’ arrangement that they thought was going to lead to more. The very perpetrators that can be called savage in these situations probably said exactly what they felt at the time, just as I did: “I am just trying to get to know you…”,  “I only want to be friends…” or “I am not looking for a relationship…” The unfortunate part is I have learned that, as a hopeful woman (at times way too hopeful) I heard only what I wanted to hear. I read into their words and thought ‘he must care’ and/or ‘this is just the beginning, he will want more.’ Sometimes (most often) they do not want more and clearly stated that.

There are occasions that a person will tell you lies and promise you the sun and the moon, just to ‘hump and dump’. Sometimes they will even come back for more (of course they do, who wouldn’t!!!). College was my first experience with being played. I was told how he had wanted me the whole time I was in another relationship and I believed him, with the help of an inebriate mind. We spent the night together and then he barely talked to me again… until he wanted more sexy time with me, then he was a sweet talker all over again. I later found out he had another girlfriend at the same time. I learned quickly after that that some people can flat out lie, but after my divorce, hope was at an all-time high again.

Being single as an adult (after divorce) is a whole new ball game. Unfortunately, we still get played and we still learn the hard way. I have had casual relationships that I convinced myself would turn into forever. I would see how sweet he was when we had sex and know that he wanted to be with me, ‘he just didn’t know how to show it.’ What the hell was I thinking?  I once heard that men and women think clearly at opposite times when it comes to sex and I completely agree. Women (dumbass, hopeful romantics we can be) think clearly before sex and end in a dreamy state of happiness and hopefulness. Men, on the other hand, aren’t thinking clearly until after that satisfying orgasm. It is then that their thoughts clear and they remember what it was they really wanted before they began focusing on nothing more than getting inside of you. But most can think clearly enough before sex to know not to mention words like forever, relationship, or love.

What women need to know is it isn’t always YOU that they do not want, it is a commitment that they do not want!  We often take this after-the-fact rejection personally. We should not. A lot of people are afraid of commitment and they usually will let us know, if only subtly. This brings me back to my story. Though, he was not someone I would want a relationship with, I had made myself clear that I wasn’t looking for a relationship and we were just friends. I was honest with him, even after we were drunk and ready to commit the act. In my defense, I thought ‘what MAN turns down oral sex?! Why should I?!’  After being offered it all night, I decided that I would take him up on the offer, but was clear it was just that… sex.  The issue was he heard what he wanted, much like I had and many of my friends have time and time again. Hell, as soon as we finished I said, “this never happened” and indeed we fist bumped on it. So when the message came the next day as if we were now an item, I realized I AM THE MAN in this situation and got scared. I didn’t want him!  I do have regard for feelings and made myself clear, just as they often do.

Honestly, this story has opened my eyes to the fact that people do say what they mean. We, on the receiving end, have to listen to ONLY what is being said. We need to take note of what is NOT being said and take all this at face value. Am I “savage”? NO! But, to tell the story and use that word is funny and empowering. Also, I can pass along the lesson to my overly hopeless and dreamy-eyed friends… because I am savage AF.

Toilet Paper Tears and Memories

While in the bathroom at work one morning I realized that the two or three rolls of toilet paper that were mostly gone that I had put on the back of the toilet were in the trash. Why!? Who would throw away rolls that only had enough paper left for one, maybe two uses? Someone who most likely thinks I am crazy when they stumbled upon that sight. Someone who judges the strange rituals of another human being. Someone who doesn’t know why I save these rolls that others would toss in the trash. We often judge the behaviors and actions of others without thinking through the reason behind those behaviors. Some might chalk it up to being frugal or lazy. It was much deeper than that for me to save these scant rolls, but I hadn’t even realized why I was doing it until I started to weep over the sight of them laying in the trash can.

Everyday we observe others doing things we question. Why does an athlete wear a gold thong or eat chicken before every game? Why do people get certain tattoos that seem odd or awkward to us? Why does someone arrange their furniture a certain way or park their car in a different location? Chances are there is a specific reason behind each of these actions that the perpetrator may or may not realize is causing them to do what they do.

What hadn’t really occurred to me was there was a very unique reason I kept toilet paper rolls with only a small amount on them. It was not that I was afraid that one day I would  run out and would need to scavenge for any paper I could find; nor was it that I was too short to reach the trash can while sitting on the toilet as my wonderful co-worker jokingly suggested. The reason I was doing this, as I figured out,  was a person who was very close to me, and unfortunately no longer living, did this at his apartment. It would seem I was subconsciously keeping his memory alive by doing the same. A strange homage that I hadn’t even realized I was carrying out until I saw these precious rolls in the trash… and cried. Yes, cried… while sitting, pants down, on the toilet at work.

Upon my realization that the coworker thought I was crazy and I would have to explain, I had to analyze why I only do this at work and not home. I am the only one who uses this particular bathroom at work, but why am I not doing it at home? I came to realize that at work I feel alone. There is only one other person in my office and he is very busy. The solitude gives me more time to think of lost loved ones. At home I have two daughters that inhabit the home and bathroom and toilet paper seems to be the thing that we use faster than anything. I don’t think there is time to leave the last few sheets because it isn’t always me using the end of the roll and changing them out... and they go so fast! So work is the only place I have done this which left my coworker very amused.

There are other things I do that can easily be traced to past experiences, whether good or bad, that others may find awkward, silly or annoying; from my fear of being hurt by other that leads me to  automatically jumping to the negative conclusion in attempts to deflect some hurt, to the way I may turn my beer can tab to the side (another habit of my late lover). Also, I always have an angel hanging in my car after a particularly rough night when I do not remember driving home. This came after my cousin passed away at 19 and I had hung an angel in my car for her. I truly felt she was my guardian angel there protecting me on my regrettable drive on that night. Every person has these types of habits and behaviors whether acknowledged or not.

Human behavior is derived from emotions, thoughts, and previous experiences, but social norms are also a big culprit. It would seem silly to most that I left this “trash” on the back of the toilet, yet it was rooted in deep emotions for me. My coworker judged me based on social norms and I know I do the same to others, though I strive to rise above judgement everyday. We never know someone’s backstory and a quick question that we feel is harmlessly inquisitive may be like a sledgehammer to the gut to that person. We do not want to be judged, just as others do not want to feel judged. This is especially important with the young. We have to be careful how we ask about their actions, taking care to leave out any indication of judgement in our questions. Instead of asking, “why do you do that?” we may say, “that is interesting that you did that. Tell me about it…” Of course, using my social work skills is easy while working with a client, but in everyday, normal life I forget to be sensitive. We all need to treat others as if they are fragile when we do not know what their history may be.

Though some less than desirable behaviors are tough to overcome, they are there for a reason. Whether it is to protect us, to keep memories alive or to avoid something or someone, we should strive to understand the purpose and fully feel the reason they exist. Emotions, good and bad, are important to process. Even negative emotions through pain, hurt or grief are there to serve a purpose. Sometimes we need to look back and remember those emotions, reexperience them for a bit and move on. I don’t want to forget my lover who is now gone. I made choices I sometimes regret with him, and I cannot fix them now. I can learn from them. I can change myself now and for the future. I can keep seeing his face, hearing his voice, reliving the good times we had together, even if it is through some silly habit like saving three squares of toilet paper on a roll. My coworker may think I am crazy, but he brought to light the reason I do this, and I shed a tear or two in my realization. I opened my coworker’s mind for a minute, remembered my guy and now find it amusing when I see the new, barely-any-left roll that I have since salvaged. And I smile! And now, I share with my story in hopes that you evaluate, remember, and maybe even smile about one of your behaviors. Most importantly, I hope I remind you to save your judgement... just as I save toilet paper rolls.

Dear Ex-Husband’s next Ex-Wife*

Dear Ex-Husband’s next Ex-Wife*:

It must be hard to be going through your first divorce. He told you he loved you, and he does. He told you he would be with you forever, and he will be if you let him. He told you he would be loyal. He lied. He told you he would stop his bad, unhealthy habits. He lied. He told you he would work at being a better husband. He lied. He always lies.

When you first started talking he told you how horrible I was. I was unloving and cheating. He lied. He told you I was cold to him, and a bad mom. He lied. He told you he wanted our divorce. He lied. What you don’t understand is at one time I  was exactly where you are now, but with two young children. I could have given you the playbook to your marriage. I could have told you what to look out for. Yet, you believed him and spread the lies he told you about me, and then some, across three counties. Had you remembered, or even asked anyone first, you would know that I am not even close to the person he painted me as. It is only normal to believe everything a new love interest tells you, but when they are divorced, trust me… you have to have an open mind.

Instead you threw him a divorce party, inviting all of our mutual friends. You told my kids negative things about me for reasons still not understood. Kids know the truth. Your job as a step-parent was to be a good influence, and provide them support, not tear their mother down. Yet you spoke only two words to me the entire time you were with him. You never bothered to get to know who I really am. You blamed me and my kids for your bad relationship with him in spite of all the evidence you found.

Though, I have spent seven years being angry at being the blame for everything that went wrong in your marriage, I have also felt sorry for you. I know how it feels to be treated the way you are being treated, to feel unloved, unwanted and alone. I have wanted to call you, write you, get through to you that the longer you stay the worse it will get because he lies. For every lie you know, there are many more you do not know. He will lie to cover up lies. He will place the blame on others to divert from the truth. He will hide the evidence and find new ways to do what he wants, and it hurts. I know, because I was there, too.

But he does love you. It isn’t your fault. There is nothing you can do to change him. His demons are deeply seeded. He doesn’t know how to love himself, therefore he can never fully love someone else. Whether or not he lacks empathy is irrelevant, because he lacks the tools and drive to change his ways. He does want to stay, but will most likely not change… and what you have to decide is if you are really ready to change YOU.

After my divorce I have learned to never fully believe someone’s story, even if they are a love interest. Every person has a story, it is only their story and often used to justify their behaviors. I have learned to never assume or judge. I have learn that divorce is never a reason to throw a party, especially when there are kids involved. I have learned to realize that every person who comes into my kids’ lives is an influence, whether good or bad. I have learned that speaking poorly of their parents doesn’t have a positive outcome for anyone. I have learned to see the hurt in others after a divorce no matter which person you are looking at. Divorce sucks. Divorce hurts. Divorce tears apart families. Divorce is sometimes needed. But divorce always has very dark sides to it. I will never place blame or speak publicly about a relationship that I was not part of. Therefore, I will never judge another man’s ex-wife, because she has a story, too. And, most importantly,  we can only hope that her story doesn’t someday become our own story.

Sincerely,

Happily Divorced Ex-Wife

Loss and Career Changes

I was recently asked to speak to some high school students about my career in the social work field. I used to work with high school students that were at-risk of not graduating on time, if at all, while working for a not-for-profit agency. The problem is I no longer work in the social work field. I made a complete career change at 41. Now I  work in the for-profit business world; more specifically, I work for an electrical contractor in the construction field. To be asked to speak to students at one time would have been an honor, but now I have to ask myself, “Am I happy with my career change and can I be honest with students about the reasons I made this choice?” After all, I made the decision to switch fields after a couple of very hard years professionally, as well as personally. I know that I am not ashamed to admit that sometimes we have to put our own mental health above everyone else’s, so maybe my story is exactly what these students need to hear.

I went to college right out of high school with a strong desire to “help others” be successful in their lives after they have had to endure hardships. Like many in the social work field, I had endured my share of hardships in my own family. I learned that the school counselor was someone I could confide in and she made me feel as if I was not alone. I went on to earn a bachelor’s degree in psychology and human services and worked in social work right after college. After many different types of jobs in social work I landed in a not-for-profit agency working full-time in this same high school I was recently asked to speak at. To say I loved my job is a severe understatement. I became “mom” at school and kids confided in me, parents looked to me for guidance and I was as close, if not closer to some students than their own mothers. Though working for a not-for-profit was not financially rewarding and did not offer health insurance. For the sake of my family I was forced to make a tough choice to change jobs for better benefits.

The fall before I made the choice to change jobs, I lost a man who was my best friend. We had dated and separated, but were closer than ever and he had finally told me he loved me. A reconciliation was inevitable. Then just weeks later he died in a tragic accident. While going through grief counseling, my unprofessional and incompetent therapist talked me into starting a master’s degree program. Probably not the best decision to be making in the midst of tragedy, but a decision I made. Around the same time I started working in the mental health field as a case manager. This was the job that brought me to my knees. I was working with one of the toughest populations and drug abuse, especially heroin, was on the rise. I was soon dealing with heroin deaths and their families. It seemed I couldn’t escape death. I was also in the middle of a court case with my ex-husband that left me a full-time single, mother. And… did I mention, my next male companion, at this time, was diagnosed with cancer and I did what I can only assume every woman does who has already lost a significant other: I ran. There was much more to this decision, but the point is I chose to walk away from him in his time of need to protect myself. Then, five short months later, as we were laying my 57-year-old uncle to rest, I found out he too would pass. And he did. Now I was facing the extreme emotions of losing someone I cared for but chose to leave to avoid losing someone again. Life seemed out of control.

Two personal loses, a family loss, a mentally challenging full-time job, and a full-time master’s program all within a time frame of less than 2 years… I still am not sure how I made it through. I would work all day at my mental health job and work all night on my master’s program. I was in charge of so many other people’s mental health that I was neglecting my own. This is around the same time I posted on Facebook that I wanted to make a complete career change. I had to save my sanity. Luckily I had a friend who knew of a job opening in an expanding electrical contracting office. One does not simply go from a years long social work/not-for-profit career into the business world. Yet this is exactly what I did. After meeting with the branch manager and simply being straight with him, he decided he liked my honest and blunt ways and hired me. Almost a year later and I love the job, lower stress level and not having to put everyone else’s mental and emotional needs before my own. I quit the master’s program with no plans of returning at this point. I put myself first with little loss in pay, more benefits, a wonderful schedule and a job that is still challenging enough to make me truly happy with my decision.

I know I have made the best decision for me... and my daughters, and I have been open with many people about the journey that has brought me here. So, can I go into the high school I love and tell students that I WAS a social worker? Sure I can. I still know the field well enough to provide them with valuable information. Can I be honest about not working in the field anymore and why I decided to change career paths? Yes! I believe we often neglect to put enough significance on not only doing what makes us happy but putting your own needs first. I definitely think we need to tell students and young people that it is ok to change your career and life to make yourself and ultimately everyone you love happier. I will go talk to the students who are interested in social work because at one time I wanted to be just like the school counselor who helped me make the decision to become a social worker. I will not sway them one way or another in their decision, but I will be honest about the awesome field of social work and the idea that it is ok to sometimes be your own social worker in order to help yourself be more successful, whether financially or mentally and emotionally.

Sorry. Not Sorry.

How many times in the grocery store do I find myself apologizing to someone who cut ME off or was in MY way? Too many! I will go to reach for a piece of fruit and someone will bump into me while not paying attention and I say that I am sorry to them. Why should I be sorry that they were not driving their cart in a responsible manner? Yet, women seem to apologize whenever we innocently need something, or genuinely create an issue. Oh hell, we even apologize when it is someone else’s fault or they are in the wrong. Better yet, we are so happy to say we are sorry, we will say it several times for one mistake that is easily fixed. Women seem to be almost addicted to groveling for forgiveness. I will not get into the nature vs. nurture argument that is spinning around in my head, but I have decided to make a change.  No more profusely saying, “I am sorry.” I am going to become stingy with my apologies!

Every day while working in an office where I am the only woman, I recognize the lack of (sometimes warranted) apologies for mistakes that are made by others. On the flip side, I listen as the women I talk to on the phone will say they are sorry for not getting back to me sooner. I know it is not a life-or-death situation so why apologize? I understand we are all busy. My email or phone call can wait for another day or two for your response (if not, there is a little red exclamation point I can click on). Now, if it has been two weeks, yes, an apology may be necessary but two days is hardly grounds for more than one, “sorry, I was out sick yesterday.” I get that circumstances may have been out of your control but ONE APOLOGY or explanation is sufficient. I also find myself apologizing when I miss a call from someone in our other office. I was busy… working!!! I am not sorry that I missed your call, so why do I say it over and over? “I was unloading a shipment when you called” is more than enough when I immediately call back to inquire of their need.

Interestingly enough I judge a man on his use of the word “sorry” in the dating realm, and I am not sorry for this. Though, true to the estrogen-way, I notice myself texting or saying that I am sorry for little things when communicating with men. After a while it makes me feel submissive. If he never uses it, when I feel he should, I see a red flag. Do these unapologetic men feel that they are perfect and never guilty of mistakes?! Then there are other guys who will say they are sorry for little things, like texting when I am busy or asking to come over too late at night. I find this a great indication of his manners, yet if her overuses the word then I begin to feel as if he is weak or I become numb to his apologies. Unfortunately, I have been in relationships where the man will use “sorry” after every time he cheats. Oh hell no! That word means nothing after the first (ok, maybe second) time! By the third or fourth time you might as well just say, “haha, fuck you! I am gonna feed you some bullshit in hopes to keep my bed warm with you while I jump around in other women's beds repeatedly.” (note: it isn’t always other beds, it can be cars, offices or the breakroom outback, but that is another blog). Due to the way this word has been loosely used it has lost its value. We either over use it, use it insincerely, or people do not use it at all. I am going to personally change this in my life.

Apologizing is just another habit for me and most women, in my opinion. We say we are sorry when our kids have a bad day, we say we are sorry if we say something that others don’t want to hear (but may need to hear), we say we are sorry…. JUST TOO MUCH! But I AM sorry when my kid has a bad day and I do mean that. When saying it to them I do it differently. I am usually holding them, and we are having a heartfelt conversation. This makes sense! When we are saying it because it is habit, it is said quickly... and I may even roll my eyes. Clearly not genuine. In my quest to give this word back its power I am going to make sure when I say it I mean it. I am going to have thought it through and made damn sure I am serious about the apology. In a perfect world (bahahahahahahaa… or as close as I can come) I will look the person in the eye, tell them I was wrong, explain why I feel I need to apologize, and say it sincerely… only ONCE! Of course if it comes across as being heartfelt that is all I should have to say it. Less equals more if the one time apology has depth. Hopefully I will personally break my habit and this will bring power back to my apologies and the word “sorry.”

Happy Tears

Thanks to Snapchat filters a lot of my weekend mornings are spent laying in bed with my 16-year-old laughing to the point of tears and achy cheeks. Pictures and videos with strange voices and silly face shapes have become a unique connection between us via carefree humor. Being the mother of two teenage daughters, the youngest being 13, was obviously in my destiny and has created some highs and lows on my life’s path. Being a single mom was not on my list of life goals, but it is where my journey has taken me. I take pride in the good times and they are easily handled, but through some of the low points (as will happen with teenagers) I have felt like I am stranded on an iceberg, cold, alone and about to drown.

Teenagers face different adversities than we did when we were young. With the use of social media they have not learned the social skills we have because a lot of their social time is spent in front of a lighted screen, not face-to-face. Kids say things they would not say to each other through social media, date people they have never met and have a much larger “friend” base than we did. As a single, middle-age mother in the dating world dealing with new electronic and web-based social issues, I can sometimes relate more easily to my daughters because of it. There are times we are going through similar issues and I feel as if we learn from each other’s mistakes. Unfortunately, there are always going to be problems that break a green teenager down to the point of tears, hurt and even depression. Those times make me feel helpless and makes it hard to parent confidently. Its these emotional times when it is hard to be a single mom navigating parenting alone.

Friends are a good source of support. Friends who are single mothers help to validate choices we are forced to make and emotions we will undoubtedly go through. And through the convenience of the electronic age we can easily shoot our girl-gang texts and messages, as well as support them on Facebook with comments and posts. These friends allow us nights out for drinks and laughs where we can finally have adult conversations and get the “in person” interactions our generation is accustomed to having. We can also discuss adult matters that we cannot discuss with our children, like work, aging, dating and exes.

Speaking of exes (ex-holes as I have become fond of saying), most of us who have kids have an ex to deal with. My ex is not often a supportive co-parent. He quickly went on to marry someone who is childless and doesn’t have parenting experience. It seems with his new journey his values (the very values we at one time agreed on) have changed and therefore the way he parents has changed. He seems to completely drop the ball on follow-through with our original vision of parenting values and practices. When I do try to gleen support from him he will undermine our confidential conversations by saying things to her like, “Your mom said your boyfriend is a jerk…” He knows that his actions may make her not trust me but what he doesn’t see is no one wins in this situation, not even him. She is mad at me for telling him and mad at him for only choosing to parent part-time. His logic has never been healthy, hence the divorce, and long gone is the hope that we could co-parent after the separation and that he would continue to be supportive to me.

Despite my marriage issues, I have felt as if I were stronger than most women and could handle being the sole caregiver of my daughters. I have supported them through thick and thin like She-Woman. We have laughed together, cried together and worked through everything successfully to date, but there are times that I feel I need support. When I feel wiped out and all my strength is spent, I crave someone to be MY supportive caregiver. Something as simple as a warm hug, a shoulder to cry on, a person who can make me feel protected as if they are able to take away my fears and less-than-desirable emotions. At times I want to feel like the weight of our household and the girls’ lives does not ride solely on my back (and mind). Just having another person to back me up, or validate the reasons behind my choices as a parent would be wonderful.

Do not get me wrong, I handle it all well and only feel this way a few minutes of each day, but am being honest in my admission that being a single mom is hard sometimes. I suppose it is hard for single dads in similar and different ways. I certainly know I have handled it well for the past seven years, with little male support. Sometimes I can feel lonely in my own home when they are both here but hiding out in their respective rooms doing what teenaged girls do. But, at the end of the day I would not change my decision to divorce my ex. I am fine alone since I have not found a suitable mate to join our family team. The girls and I lean on each other and they seem to know when I need a break. Every other weekend when they are at their dad’s house is a great respite (a benefit of divorce many do not want to admit to). I know they will be gone someday and that is a whole other area of stress. For now I am doing fine as a single mother. In spite of the stress and occasional feelings of helplessness, I have stayed out of the psych ward and no one has died. We are a team and have learned to have fun, laugh and use social media such as Snapchat to bring us together and entertain us, sometimes to the point of tears…. Happy, laughing tears!

Dating: I don't Need You!

A friend of mine recently said after a date, “Everything seems different now that I’m not young and looking to be in love and start a family.” This is very true to us middle-age women in the dating world who have been married (some of us more than once) and have kids that are capable of being left unattended without the fear of death, for the most part. We are at a different stage of life, looking for different things, and with a much lower tolerance for people and behaviors that do not compliment our current lifestyle.

When we are young and starting out in the relationship realm we are green and malleable. We have not had life experiences that influence so much of what we want and will put up with. Social acceptance is important. We want our friends to approve, and we want to be accepted by our peers. We are driven by much more primal instincts, the biggest being sex! As hormones run rampant we are attracted to others by physical appearances. We want to be with someone we want to get naked with or at least be seen in public with. An important part of this is we had not yet learned to… ahem… love ourselves. Most of us didn’t own a self-stimulation device or even know how to please ourselves before our first real, long-term relationship. This made staying with someone to satisfy physical needs a driving force in many of our early relationships.

Before I was married my dating life was much more simple. I didn’t have kids to worry about and I didn’t have to plan dating and sex around parenting time. I didn’t have to worry about when was the right time to introduce a man to my kids. Also, I didn’t have ties to the area. I could imagine moving far away with my partner  without the need to stay close to the “other parent” for the kids’ sake. In my twenties, I was not yet set in my ways. I thought I could “learn” to appreciate my partner’s lifestyle differences, his behaviors and interests. I also didn’t have a career with my own money.  I had the traditional hopes of being in a partnership where we share everything: bills, plans, bank accounts, kids, future financial goals, an active sex life, etc.

Now, in my early 40’s, I have a divorce under my belt, two teenage daughters, family that I want to stick close to, my own income, a house I maintain on my own, and a vibrator! I am not looking for anyone to take care of me. I have learned that sex does not equal love and sometimes it is just a ‘need’ that I can easily take care of solo or with some guy who I know will leave when we are done, allow me to sleep in my own bed alone and not demand breakfast in the morning. We date for different reasons than when we were young. Long gone are the Disney-driven dreams of happy marriages and goals of perfect family compositions.

Dating now revolves around kids’ schedules, work demands, social desires, and life goals. After several failed relationships I realize that love is something I feel for someone, but doesn’t tie me to that person. I have loved several men that I easily walked away from because they are not a good fit in my life or my kids’ lives. If they are lazy and feel entitled to everything they haven’t worked for then they are not worthy of my time and definitely not going to be someone I keep around as a negative influence on my kids. If they are not looking to be part of our family or to make strategic changes toward a successful future, they will be dropped like an expensive cable provider. If he is more work than enjoyment, he will only remain part of my past, not my future.

My goals now are for companionship, partnership, sharing of family and responsibilities in attempts to make the life I have left to live more tolerable and successful. The physical desires are less important. In your 40s you are going to put up with erectile dysfunction if he comes through as an emotional support and shows his love by putting in equal effort in the relationship. If his goals are aligned with mine for the future then I can more easily tolerate some less than desirable behaviors. Now that I am not looking to have kids and no longer believe that I can fall madly, deeply in love with someone, I will bend on some issues. But make no mistake, if he is not looking to make positive changes and strive to make a committed life-long partnership and progress in life, I do not need him. A glaring realization to dating in my 40s is “I DO NOT NEED ANYONE”. Once you have done it all on your own, and I have for seven years, you realize you do not NEED anyone. I only WANT a man to compliment the life I have already made for myself and my kids. I have lived without many wants up to this point, and know that a man is just another want I can live without.

Whether a blessing or a curse (I can really see it both ways) I am an independent woman. I make my own money, pay my own bills, know where every penny goes each month, make choices and plans I feel are best for my family, and know what I need to work on for future goals. I know I will be fine alone. I will not settle for anything that doesn’t create happiness and embellish my current lifestyle. Do not get me wrong, I would love to have a partner in my life; someone to count on for weekend relaxing, help around the house, family vacations and regular romps in the bedroom. But for now, until I find someone who is a decent fit, I am content with my life. I have family and friends that provide for my social needs, I can maintain a home by myself, I have positive and successful goals for my future and most importantly, I know how to ‘love myself’ both emotionally and with the help of my vibrator!