Dating: I don't Need You!

A friend of mine recently said after a date, “Everything seems different now that I’m not young and looking to be in love and start a family.” This is very true to us middle-age women in the dating world who have been married (some of us more than once) and have kids that are capable of being left unattended without the fear of death, for the most part. We are at a different stage of life, looking for different things, and with a much lower tolerance for people and behaviors that do not compliment our current lifestyle.

When we are young and starting out in the relationship realm we are green and malleable. We have not had life experiences that influence so much of what we want and will put up with. Social acceptance is important. We want our friends to approve, and we want to be accepted by our peers. We are driven by much more primal instincts, the biggest being sex! As hormones run rampant we are attracted to others by physical appearances. We want to be with someone we want to get naked with or at least be seen in public with. An important part of this is we had not yet learned to… ahem… love ourselves. Most of us didn’t own a self-stimulation device or even know how to please ourselves before our first real, long-term relationship. This made staying with someone to satisfy physical needs a driving force in many of our early relationships.

Before I was married my dating life was much more simple. I didn’t have kids to worry about and I didn’t have to plan dating and sex around parenting time. I didn’t have to worry about when was the right time to introduce a man to my kids. Also, I didn’t have ties to the area. I could imagine moving far away with my partner  without the need to stay close to the “other parent” for the kids’ sake. In my twenties, I was not yet set in my ways. I thought I could “learn” to appreciate my partner’s lifestyle differences, his behaviors and interests. I also didn’t have a career with my own money.  I had the traditional hopes of being in a partnership where we share everything: bills, plans, bank accounts, kids, future financial goals, an active sex life, etc.

Now, in my early 40’s, I have a divorce under my belt, two teenage daughters, family that I want to stick close to, my own income, a house I maintain on my own, and a vibrator! I am not looking for anyone to take care of me. I have learned that sex does not equal love and sometimes it is just a ‘need’ that I can easily take care of solo or with some guy who I know will leave when we are done, allow me to sleep in my own bed alone and not demand breakfast in the morning. We date for different reasons than when we were young. Long gone are the Disney-driven dreams of happy marriages and goals of perfect family compositions.

Dating now revolves around kids’ schedules, work demands, social desires, and life goals. After several failed relationships I realize that love is something I feel for someone, but doesn’t tie me to that person. I have loved several men that I easily walked away from because they are not a good fit in my life or my kids’ lives. If they are lazy and feel entitled to everything they haven’t worked for then they are not worthy of my time and definitely not going to be someone I keep around as a negative influence on my kids. If they are not looking to be part of our family or to make strategic changes toward a successful future, they will be dropped like an expensive cable provider. If he is more work than enjoyment, he will only remain part of my past, not my future.

My goals now are for companionship, partnership, sharing of family and responsibilities in attempts to make the life I have left to live more tolerable and successful. The physical desires are less important. In your 40s you are going to put up with erectile dysfunction if he comes through as an emotional support and shows his love by putting in equal effort in the relationship. If his goals are aligned with mine for the future then I can more easily tolerate some less than desirable behaviors. Now that I am not looking to have kids and no longer believe that I can fall madly, deeply in love with someone, I will bend on some issues. But make no mistake, if he is not looking to make positive changes and strive to make a committed life-long partnership and progress in life, I do not need him. A glaring realization to dating in my 40s is “I DO NOT NEED ANYONE”. Once you have done it all on your own, and I have for seven years, you realize you do not NEED anyone. I only WANT a man to compliment the life I have already made for myself and my kids. I have lived without many wants up to this point, and know that a man is just another want I can live without.

Whether a blessing or a curse (I can really see it both ways) I am an independent woman. I make my own money, pay my own bills, know where every penny goes each month, make choices and plans I feel are best for my family, and know what I need to work on for future goals. I know I will be fine alone. I will not settle for anything that doesn’t create happiness and embellish my current lifestyle. Do not get me wrong, I would love to have a partner in my life; someone to count on for weekend relaxing, help around the house, family vacations and regular romps in the bedroom. But for now, until I find someone who is a decent fit, I am content with my life. I have family and friends that provide for my social needs, I can maintain a home by myself, I have positive and successful goals for my future and most importantly, I know how to ‘love myself’ both emotionally and with the help of my vibrator!