What labels do I give myself? I am caucasian, a woman, hetrosexual, a mother, divorced… But there are so many other labels people give themselves that I do not want to submit to. Some labels I don’t even understand. This became apparent when I was using an online dating site. As if dating in your 40s isn’t hard enough it is now convoluted with new labels that define people beyond what many of us who have spent most of our adult lives in a marriage can comprehend.
While setting up my online dating profile I was asked if I am “gay, straight, bisexual or other.” That was easy; I identify as straight or as I like to say hetrosexual because “straight” insinuates others may be ‘crooked’, ‘bent’ or not normal. Later it wanted me to clarify my sexual identity even more with terms that even I, a social worker and liberal thinker, had to look up. I understood homoflexible, asexual, heteroflexible and pansexual, but was confused at demisexual and sapiosexual. Being the curious person I am I googled the new terms.
Demisexual defines someone who has to have a deep emotional connection to someone in order to be sexually attracted to them. I pondered this and realized that was not me and therefore I was still correct checking the ‘straight’ box. Then I found the definition for sapiosexual, meaning someone who is sexually attracted to intelligence, which does define me to an extent. I have always said that deep conversation and a sound opinion, coupled with an open mind, is what turns me on. But this new label potentially takes me out of the straight category... or does it!?! Could that mean I am attracted to women who are intelligent? I am not, but this new “label” could indicate that since I am no longer in the “straight” category. This conundrum is when I am certain my head was ready to implode. Why are there so many labels? I cannot check just one box! Hell, there are times when I even fit into the demisexual box. I do like the specifications of these new labels, but it used to be as easy as saying, “I think a smart man is sexy.” Younger generations have taken it further and began using these technical labels for everything and I am not ready to conform! I definitely refuse to check the conformist box!!
Speaking of conforming, it is a time that labels are rampant in the political realm. There are Republicans, Democrats (or Dems), Centrists, Independents, Libtards, Snowflakes and Trump Supporters. Yeah, that last one has enough of a negative connotation that it is a “label” in and of itself in my life. I normally label myself liberal but I am also a gun-loving liberal and have some views that fit with the right-wing agenda. I only recently began using the term “Liberal Centrist” but again I do not feel confident in this. Labels just do not cut it for me. I feel it needs explanation… unless you are a ‘Trump Supporter’, that label tells me enough about the box you fit in. Sad, but true. But if I choose one label then it seems I cannot have any part of the other labels and that is too confining.
There are also labels for religion, and again I do not fit into a perfect box. Am I agnostic because I believe in a higher power or atheist because there are times when I think the idea of a ‘God’ controlling my life is completely narcissistic and ridiculous? I don’t feel I am a Christian, though I believe there was a wonderful man named Jesus who walked the earth. Unfortunately other men have embellished his story to their liking and needs, in turn changing Christianity from the just and kind ways Jesus wanted it to be. This is another area where not fitting into a certain box can create many issues. If I say I do not check the Christianity box people may either severely judge me or try to sway me. If I submit to the opposite a lot of other assumptions are made about me. This is a subject I rarely discuss because religion and politics are rarely safe conversations.
Relationships are an easier topic to tackle. As of late, there has been the issue of defining my relationship with a man I adore. He sweetly asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend, a label I gladly accepted. I later pondered if at 42 I should use the word “boyfriend” because he is hardly a boy. The important part for me is that we defined our relationship in terms of monogamy and commitment. The label and reaction of others to “girlfriend, boyfriend, significant other, lover”, etc. are simply nothing to worry about. Once we defined the foundation, what label I use socially isn’t as important to me. Maybe all these other issues I have spoken of should follow suit. Dating, religion, politics… once I know my foundational beliefs then the rest, especially the labels, has to have conversations around it. Whether talking to friends, strangers, or lovers, conversation is the key.
Labels clearly give me pause and I am cautious about the labels I use to define myself, because like the opening quote states, to label myself one way doesn’t leave room for me to be another way. The important part is communication between self and others. Younger generations have done a great job of expanding the minds of society, albeit adding so many other labels and boxes to check. Having to place myself into new boxes with fear of being stuck there makes me uncomfortable. Knowing that these new labels are creating more conversations and potentially opening the minds of some traditional-minded people brings much joy to me, as well as those who now have more appropriate labels to use, and boxes to check, in order to define themselves. The mere fact that I enjoy having a conversation about these new social practices and the fact that I am attracted to a man that can do the same does fit me into that sapiosexual box, I suppose. Though I did not check that box on the dating profile, I still found a man who intrigues me with his mind. All it took was some in depth conversation to find this out, not a label. And one thing I am sure of is that I will always label myself a conversationalist.
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