Women have long been on the losing end of a ‘hit it and quit it’ arrangement that they thought was going to lead to more. The very perpetrators that can be called savage in these situations probably said exactly what they felt at the time, just as I did: “I am just trying to get to know you…”, “I only want to be friends…” or “I am not looking for a relationship…” The unfortunate part is I have learned that, as a hopeful woman (at times way too hopeful) I heard only what I wanted to hear. I read into their words and thought ‘he must care’ and/or ‘this is just the beginning, he will want more.’ Sometimes (most often) they do not want more and clearly stated that.
There are occasions that a person will tell you lies and promise you the sun and the moon, just to ‘hump and dump’. Sometimes they will even come back for more (of course they do, who wouldn’t!!!). College was my first experience with being played. I was told how he had wanted me the whole time I was in another relationship and I believed him, with the help of an inebriate mind. We spent the night together and then he barely talked to me again… until he wanted more sexy time with me, then he was a sweet talker all over again. I later found out he had another girlfriend at the same time. I learned quickly after that that some people can flat out lie, but after my divorce, hope was at an all-time high again.
Being single as an adult (after divorce) is a whole new ball game. Unfortunately, we still get played and we still learn the hard way. I have had casual relationships that I convinced myself would turn into forever. I would see how sweet he was when we had sex and know that he wanted to be with me, ‘he just didn’t know how to show it.’ What the hell was I thinking? I once heard that men and women think clearly at opposite times when it comes to sex and I completely agree. Women (dumbass, hopeful romantics we can be) think clearly before sex and end in a dreamy state of happiness and hopefulness. Men, on the other hand, aren’t thinking clearly until after that satisfying orgasm. It is then that their thoughts clear and they remember what it was they really wanted before they began focusing on nothing more than getting inside of you. But most can think clearly enough before sex to know not to mention words like forever, relationship, or love.
What women need to know is it isn’t always YOU that they do not want, it is a commitment that they do not want! We often take this after-the-fact rejection personally. We should not. A lot of people are afraid of commitment and they usually will let us know, if only subtly. This brings me back to my story. Though, he was not someone I would want a relationship with, I had made myself clear that I wasn’t looking for a relationship and we were just friends. I was honest with him, even after we were drunk and ready to commit the act. In my defense, I thought ‘what MAN turns down oral sex?! Why should I?!’ After being offered it all night, I decided that I would take him up on the offer, but was clear it was just that… sex. The issue was he heard what he wanted, much like I had and many of my friends have time and time again. Hell, as soon as we finished I said, “this never happened” and indeed we fist bumped on it. So when the message came the next day as if we were now an item, I realized I AM THE MAN in this situation and got scared. I didn’t want him! I do have regard for feelings and made myself clear, just as they often do.
Honestly, this story has opened my eyes to the fact that people do say what they mean. We, on the receiving end, have to listen to ONLY what is being said. We need to take note of what is NOT being said and take all this at face value. Am I “savage”? NO! But, to tell the story and use that word is funny and empowering. Also, I can pass along the lesson to my overly hopeless and dreamy-eyed friends… because I am savage AF.
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