Work, kids, laundry, workouts, dates, housework, yard work, bills, groceries…. Life gets so busy there isn’t much time for “fun”. Things get monotonous with the same, week after week rituals and let’s be honest, “fun” with the kids gets stagnant. After many years in a marriage that was less than healthy, I lost contact with a lot of my friends; and sometimes I need adult conversation with someone other than my two teenage daughters and the men I work with. As a single mother I need a break from the norm to reignite a sense of excitement and belonging.
After my divorce it took several years to come to a place where I felt comfortable living again and owning my womanhood. Honestly, for a long time I thought “living” was dating men that I only hoped would turn into long-term partnership. It wasn’t until I started commiserating with other divorced, single mothers about those ridiculous men that I realized I may not ever want to be tied down again, whether in a marriage or a committed relationship. But that can be lonely. Then, after listening to one single friend that had kids full-time (no father visitations) I decided she needed to have grown-up conversations and to get away from her three boys. That is when I realized that she could get a small respite from the kids by spending one night a week with me at a local restaurant that happened to have a decent bar smack dab in the middle of it. It also allowed me some friend time, away from home. And so it began… one night out for drinks with a friend with whom I shared a lot in common.
This friend is a distant cousin that I had never been close with until we started having our mini-”therapy” sessions. It was good to get to know each other better and the conversations about kids and exes quickly turned into conversations about dating. I had been divorced a bit longer than her and had been dating since then, so I felt like I was giving her what no one had given me: honest experiences and advice to save her from the hell that can be divorced-single-mom life. This included advice on dealing with your ex-hole, handling kids on your own and dating douchebags. Soon we added another friend who is in a similar situation to our group and other women (some married) would join us some nights, as well. This became a weekly Girls Night that has now fallen on Thirsty Thursdays.
Once a week “girls night” allowed us to get out of the house, have adult conversations, develop new relationships, and relax with a drink. These nights always brought great stories, validation, advice and above all LAUGHS. Some nights there would be men hovering around trying to hit on us (we weren’t there for that), new women to share stories with, or old friends who happened to come in for a meal. And from all of these weekly experiences we had things to laugh about a few weeks later while we were all together again.
After a few months of our girls nights I realized I felt like I had purpose again, besides trying to find a male companion and work like a soldier to provide for kids. I felt a sense of belonging and had something to look forward to each week. I was making new memories and feeling alive. I had a group of friends that I could rely on. I wasn’t lonely and relied less on dating to squash my loneliness. I also hear that when our kids see each other at school they make jokes about our Thirsty Thursday nights. I feel a sense of pride that my daughters see me take time for me and put myself first, at least one night a week, because if you learn anything after divorce it is that no one is going to put you first except YOU. Kids need, need, need. Men seem to put you first when it is convenient for them or they want something in return. Family members have their own lives. I am setting an example for my daughters. Self-care is great for mental and emotional health.
Now, over a year later, I have a serious male companion and I am lucky that he understands the sacredness of Thirsty Thursday Girls Night. He knows that my group of girlfriends is important to me and I am not willing to give up my friends again like I did in my marriage. I will always find time to see my girlfriends and tend to my own independence and mental health, just as I encourage him to do. Hell, he even comes out with us on rare nights away from his job. He enjoys the camaraderie as much as we do because he see the value in it. We all see the value in friendships and relaxation, because by Thursday we are all pretty damned Thirsty for a break from the norm and for our Girls Night.
Saturday, February 24, 2018
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
NFL vs Trump vs North Korea
It is football season and every weekend my man and I are poised in front of the television watching college and NFL games. This is a time to relax, let go of life’s responsibilities and connect with each other. This past weekend, while watching NFL, it was made clear that something had happened to cause great controversy. The leader of our great nation had basically declared war on the NFL due to the peaceful protests of some players that had been kneeling during the national anthem. In an effort to feel united after this attack by Trump, many teams stood with linked arms and continued to allow other players to kneel or peacefully protest in whatever way they chose to do so. In my opinion this is their right and by no means does it detract from the entertaining game of passion and strategy. The real threat for me lies on the other side of the earth in another country. Unlike the men who simply want to bring light to racial dissension across their country which is supposed to be the land of the free, this is a threat that could potentially cause significant loss of life around the globe.
Social media is blowing up since Sunday with photos of players kneeling and boycott stances against the NFL. Television shows are talking and even holding interviews with the flag itself to discuss the disrespect it is enduring. Discussions are dragging military and veterans into the fight. Lists are created with what teams, owners and players did for the anthem. Celebrities and anthem singers have taken stands (or a knee) in support or opposition of the movement. Some are completely clueless as to the origins of the ‘take a knee’ protest and others have just created their own meaning of the importance and impact on the country. The real issue for me is that our President decided to use negative words to attack citizens of our great country for standing up (or more specifically taking a knee) for what they believe in. I thought that was what our country was founded on, the ability to have our own beliefs and act on them without fear or persecution.
It is no secret that I do not support this president. As a centrist, and an independent voter, I cannot wrap my mind around the behaviors of Donald Trump. He takes to Twitter to attack… well, EVERYONE! He has waged war on Democrats, his own administration and regular citizens... and the whole world is watching and reading his every (seemingly ignorant) word. He uses more negative language, including name-calling, than my two teenaged daughters! They would never take to social media to tear apart someone’s reputation. Donald Trump does this on a daily basis, most recently tweeting words that have caused North Korea to feel as though he has declared war on their country. Yes, Kim Jong-un is guilty of horrific acts, but most mentally intact people know you do not taunt an unstable person. Trump has repeatedly called him “Little Rocket Man”. There are no words to describe my appall at this type of name-calling. In this situation we have one mentally unstable person taunting another mentally unstable person at the expense of not only the United States but the entire world!
The NFL drama is an intriguing focus of people who do not follow politics. Becoming offended at others’ outcries for respect is easy when you come from a different lifestyle. The term privilege is being thrown around and that makes people very uncomfortable. As a social worker I am no stranger to that term, as well as ‘social justice’. My so-called Facebook friends see disrespectful black people keeping racism alive. (This is not a topic that I choose to tackle in this writing.) What amazes me is that the very people boycotting the NFL for the peaceful protests, because it shows a lack of respect for the country and flag, are more concerned with that than the fact that North Korea has tested their missiles several times with the goals of reaching and destroying Chicago, a city that is not far from my small hometown! Do people not see the impact that could have on our physical lives, our families and loved ones!? Not to mention how a high altitude detonation of a hydrogen bomb would create an electromagnetic pulse (EMP) attack on our power grid, which could potentially bring the US to its knees, including hospitals, data networks and every technology our lives rely on. Officials have stated that the US is not protected against this type of attack, one that could cause loss of 90 percent of our population within a year of an EMP crippling attack. Is this all worse case scenario? Maybe, but what is the worse case scenario if we allow athletes to kneel during the anthem?! Not a loss of life at 90 percent!
My next question is, with all of this North Korean rhetoric happening, why is our president creating situations that pit American against American? Do you really believe our government and pentagon are discussing the NFL and people on their knees more than our national security!? You are sadly mistaken if you think they are. Our president is using diversion tactics to keep the country divided to slide his agenda(s) under the noses of the laypeople who are more concerned with the NFL’s stance on peaceful protest than what he just did to piss off a foreign enemy on the cusp of capabilities of mass destruction. There is so much more to this, but I feel it is a waste of my time to get into with people who only see things from their couches. I admit I am not “woke” to the intricacies of politics as much as others, but I also am not willing to boycott my favorite entertainment pastime when I know there are so many other threats on the horizon. I am NOT willing to fight with my fellow Americans over their actions that do not affect me personally when there are countries itching to go to war with us. And in the end, I can only hope that people become more aware of this president’s diversionary behaviors and allow others their freedoms without judgement. I can also hope for cheaper NFL tickets for my man and me! And yes, I will stand during the anthem!
Social media is blowing up since Sunday with photos of players kneeling and boycott stances against the NFL. Television shows are talking and even holding interviews with the flag itself to discuss the disrespect it is enduring. Discussions are dragging military and veterans into the fight. Lists are created with what teams, owners and players did for the anthem. Celebrities and anthem singers have taken stands (or a knee) in support or opposition of the movement. Some are completely clueless as to the origins of the ‘take a knee’ protest and others have just created their own meaning of the importance and impact on the country. The real issue for me is that our President decided to use negative words to attack citizens of our great country for standing up (or more specifically taking a knee) for what they believe in. I thought that was what our country was founded on, the ability to have our own beliefs and act on them without fear or persecution.
It is no secret that I do not support this president. As a centrist, and an independent voter, I cannot wrap my mind around the behaviors of Donald Trump. He takes to Twitter to attack… well, EVERYONE! He has waged war on Democrats, his own administration and regular citizens... and the whole world is watching and reading his every (seemingly ignorant) word. He uses more negative language, including name-calling, than my two teenaged daughters! They would never take to social media to tear apart someone’s reputation. Donald Trump does this on a daily basis, most recently tweeting words that have caused North Korea to feel as though he has declared war on their country. Yes, Kim Jong-un is guilty of horrific acts, but most mentally intact people know you do not taunt an unstable person. Trump has repeatedly called him “Little Rocket Man”. There are no words to describe my appall at this type of name-calling. In this situation we have one mentally unstable person taunting another mentally unstable person at the expense of not only the United States but the entire world!
The NFL drama is an intriguing focus of people who do not follow politics. Becoming offended at others’ outcries for respect is easy when you come from a different lifestyle. The term privilege is being thrown around and that makes people very uncomfortable. As a social worker I am no stranger to that term, as well as ‘social justice’. My so-called Facebook friends see disrespectful black people keeping racism alive. (This is not a topic that I choose to tackle in this writing.) What amazes me is that the very people boycotting the NFL for the peaceful protests, because it shows a lack of respect for the country and flag, are more concerned with that than the fact that North Korea has tested their missiles several times with the goals of reaching and destroying Chicago, a city that is not far from my small hometown! Do people not see the impact that could have on our physical lives, our families and loved ones!? Not to mention how a high altitude detonation of a hydrogen bomb would create an electromagnetic pulse (EMP) attack on our power grid, which could potentially bring the US to its knees, including hospitals, data networks and every technology our lives rely on. Officials have stated that the US is not protected against this type of attack, one that could cause loss of 90 percent of our population within a year of an EMP crippling attack. Is this all worse case scenario? Maybe, but what is the worse case scenario if we allow athletes to kneel during the anthem?! Not a loss of life at 90 percent!
My next question is, with all of this North Korean rhetoric happening, why is our president creating situations that pit American against American? Do you really believe our government and pentagon are discussing the NFL and people on their knees more than our national security!? You are sadly mistaken if you think they are. Our president is using diversion tactics to keep the country divided to slide his agenda(s) under the noses of the laypeople who are more concerned with the NFL’s stance on peaceful protest than what he just did to piss off a foreign enemy on the cusp of capabilities of mass destruction. There is so much more to this, but I feel it is a waste of my time to get into with people who only see things from their couches. I admit I am not “woke” to the intricacies of politics as much as others, but I also am not willing to boycott my favorite entertainment pastime when I know there are so many other threats on the horizon. I am NOT willing to fight with my fellow Americans over their actions that do not affect me personally when there are countries itching to go to war with us. And in the end, I can only hope that people become more aware of this president’s diversionary behaviors and allow others their freedoms without judgement. I can also hope for cheaper NFL tickets for my man and me! And yes, I will stand during the anthem!
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
Labels... Who Am I?
“If you label it this, then it can’t be that.” - Tom Wolfe, American author and journalist
What labels do I give myself? I am caucasian, a woman, hetrosexual, a mother, divorced… But there are so many other labels people give themselves that I do not want to submit to. Some labels I don’t even understand. This became apparent when I was using an online dating site. As if dating in your 40s isn’t hard enough it is now convoluted with new labels that define people beyond what many of us who have spent most of our adult lives in a marriage can comprehend.
While setting up my online dating profile I was asked if I am “gay, straight, bisexual or other.” That was easy; I identify as straight or as I like to say hetrosexual because “straight” insinuates others may be ‘crooked’, ‘bent’ or not normal. Later it wanted me to clarify my sexual identity even more with terms that even I, a social worker and liberal thinker, had to look up. I understood homoflexible, asexual, heteroflexible and pansexual, but was confused at demisexual and sapiosexual. Being the curious person I am I googled the new terms.
Demisexual defines someone who has to have a deep emotional connection to someone in order to be sexually attracted to them. I pondered this and realized that was not me and therefore I was still correct checking the ‘straight’ box. Then I found the definition for sapiosexual, meaning someone who is sexually attracted to intelligence, which does define me to an extent. I have always said that deep conversation and a sound opinion, coupled with an open mind, is what turns me on. But this new label potentially takes me out of the straight category... or does it!?! Could that mean I am attracted to women who are intelligent? I am not, but this new “label” could indicate that since I am no longer in the “straight” category. This conundrum is when I am certain my head was ready to implode. Why are there so many labels? I cannot check just one box! Hell, there are times when I even fit into the demisexual box. I do like the specifications of these new labels, but it used to be as easy as saying, “I think a smart man is sexy.” Younger generations have taken it further and began using these technical labels for everything and I am not ready to conform! I definitely refuse to check the conformist box!!
Speaking of conforming, it is a time that labels are rampant in the political realm. There are Republicans, Democrats (or Dems), Centrists, Independents, Libtards, Snowflakes and Trump Supporters. Yeah, that last one has enough of a negative connotation that it is a “label” in and of itself in my life. I normally label myself liberal but I am also a gun-loving liberal and have some views that fit with the right-wing agenda. I only recently began using the term “Liberal Centrist” but again I do not feel confident in this. Labels just do not cut it for me. I feel it needs explanation… unless you are a ‘Trump Supporter’, that label tells me enough about the box you fit in. Sad, but true. But if I choose one label then it seems I cannot have any part of the other labels and that is too confining.
There are also labels for religion, and again I do not fit into a perfect box. Am I agnostic because I believe in a higher power or atheist because there are times when I think the idea of a ‘God’ controlling my life is completely narcissistic and ridiculous? I don’t feel I am a Christian, though I believe there was a wonderful man named Jesus who walked the earth. Unfortunately other men have embellished his story to their liking and needs, in turn changing Christianity from the just and kind ways Jesus wanted it to be. This is another area where not fitting into a certain box can create many issues. If I say I do not check the Christianity box people may either severely judge me or try to sway me. If I submit to the opposite a lot of other assumptions are made about me. This is a subject I rarely discuss because religion and politics are rarely safe conversations.
Relationships are an easier topic to tackle. As of late, there has been the issue of defining my relationship with a man I adore. He sweetly asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend, a label I gladly accepted. I later pondered if at 42 I should use the word “boyfriend” because he is hardly a boy. The important part for me is that we defined our relationship in terms of monogamy and commitment. The label and reaction of others to “girlfriend, boyfriend, significant other, lover”, etc. are simply nothing to worry about. Once we defined the foundation, what label I use socially isn’t as important to me. Maybe all these other issues I have spoken of should follow suit. Dating, religion, politics… once I know my foundational beliefs then the rest, especially the labels, has to have conversations around it. Whether talking to friends, strangers, or lovers, conversation is the key.
Labels clearly give me pause and I am cautious about the labels I use to define myself, because like the opening quote states, to label myself one way doesn’t leave room for me to be another way. The important part is communication between self and others. Younger generations have done a great job of expanding the minds of society, albeit adding so many other labels and boxes to check. Having to place myself into new boxes with fear of being stuck there makes me uncomfortable. Knowing that these new labels are creating more conversations and potentially opening the minds of some traditional-minded people brings much joy to me, as well as those who now have more appropriate labels to use, and boxes to check, in order to define themselves. The mere fact that I enjoy having a conversation about these new social practices and the fact that I am attracted to a man that can do the same does fit me into that sapiosexual box, I suppose. Though I did not check that box on the dating profile, I still found a man who intrigues me with his mind. All it took was some in depth conversation to find this out, not a label. And one thing I am sure of is that I will always label myself a conversationalist.
What labels do I give myself? I am caucasian, a woman, hetrosexual, a mother, divorced… But there are so many other labels people give themselves that I do not want to submit to. Some labels I don’t even understand. This became apparent when I was using an online dating site. As if dating in your 40s isn’t hard enough it is now convoluted with new labels that define people beyond what many of us who have spent most of our adult lives in a marriage can comprehend.
While setting up my online dating profile I was asked if I am “gay, straight, bisexual or other.” That was easy; I identify as straight or as I like to say hetrosexual because “straight” insinuates others may be ‘crooked’, ‘bent’ or not normal. Later it wanted me to clarify my sexual identity even more with terms that even I, a social worker and liberal thinker, had to look up. I understood homoflexible, asexual, heteroflexible and pansexual, but was confused at demisexual and sapiosexual. Being the curious person I am I googled the new terms.
Demisexual defines someone who has to have a deep emotional connection to someone in order to be sexually attracted to them. I pondered this and realized that was not me and therefore I was still correct checking the ‘straight’ box. Then I found the definition for sapiosexual, meaning someone who is sexually attracted to intelligence, which does define me to an extent. I have always said that deep conversation and a sound opinion, coupled with an open mind, is what turns me on. But this new label potentially takes me out of the straight category... or does it!?! Could that mean I am attracted to women who are intelligent? I am not, but this new “label” could indicate that since I am no longer in the “straight” category. This conundrum is when I am certain my head was ready to implode. Why are there so many labels? I cannot check just one box! Hell, there are times when I even fit into the demisexual box. I do like the specifications of these new labels, but it used to be as easy as saying, “I think a smart man is sexy.” Younger generations have taken it further and began using these technical labels for everything and I am not ready to conform! I definitely refuse to check the conformist box!!
Speaking of conforming, it is a time that labels are rampant in the political realm. There are Republicans, Democrats (or Dems), Centrists, Independents, Libtards, Snowflakes and Trump Supporters. Yeah, that last one has enough of a negative connotation that it is a “label” in and of itself in my life. I normally label myself liberal but I am also a gun-loving liberal and have some views that fit with the right-wing agenda. I only recently began using the term “Liberal Centrist” but again I do not feel confident in this. Labels just do not cut it for me. I feel it needs explanation… unless you are a ‘Trump Supporter’, that label tells me enough about the box you fit in. Sad, but true. But if I choose one label then it seems I cannot have any part of the other labels and that is too confining.
There are also labels for religion, and again I do not fit into a perfect box. Am I agnostic because I believe in a higher power or atheist because there are times when I think the idea of a ‘God’ controlling my life is completely narcissistic and ridiculous? I don’t feel I am a Christian, though I believe there was a wonderful man named Jesus who walked the earth. Unfortunately other men have embellished his story to their liking and needs, in turn changing Christianity from the just and kind ways Jesus wanted it to be. This is another area where not fitting into a certain box can create many issues. If I say I do not check the Christianity box people may either severely judge me or try to sway me. If I submit to the opposite a lot of other assumptions are made about me. This is a subject I rarely discuss because religion and politics are rarely safe conversations.
Relationships are an easier topic to tackle. As of late, there has been the issue of defining my relationship with a man I adore. He sweetly asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend, a label I gladly accepted. I later pondered if at 42 I should use the word “boyfriend” because he is hardly a boy. The important part for me is that we defined our relationship in terms of monogamy and commitment. The label and reaction of others to “girlfriend, boyfriend, significant other, lover”, etc. are simply nothing to worry about. Once we defined the foundation, what label I use socially isn’t as important to me. Maybe all these other issues I have spoken of should follow suit. Dating, religion, politics… once I know my foundational beliefs then the rest, especially the labels, has to have conversations around it. Whether talking to friends, strangers, or lovers, conversation is the key.
Labels clearly give me pause and I am cautious about the labels I use to define myself, because like the opening quote states, to label myself one way doesn’t leave room for me to be another way. The important part is communication between self and others. Younger generations have done a great job of expanding the minds of society, albeit adding so many other labels and boxes to check. Having to place myself into new boxes with fear of being stuck there makes me uncomfortable. Knowing that these new labels are creating more conversations and potentially opening the minds of some traditional-minded people brings much joy to me, as well as those who now have more appropriate labels to use, and boxes to check, in order to define themselves. The mere fact that I enjoy having a conversation about these new social practices and the fact that I am attracted to a man that can do the same does fit me into that sapiosexual box, I suppose. Though I did not check that box on the dating profile, I still found a man who intrigues me with his mind. All it took was some in depth conversation to find this out, not a label. And one thing I am sure of is that I will always label myself a conversationalist.
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Savage AF
“This never happened!” This statement, coupled with a fist bump, was what earned me the title ‘Savage’. Urban Dictionary (yes, we have to take this source seriously as the usage of this word falls into the confines of slang) defines ‘savage’ as committing an act with no regard for other people's feelings. Contrary to my initial rejection of this title, I will own being savage for no other reason than to empower my fellow single women who have been on the receiving end of savage acts… plus it is a comic embellishment to my barstool storytelling.
Women have long been on the losing end of a ‘hit it and quit it’ arrangement that they thought was going to lead to more. The very perpetrators that can be called savage in these situations probably said exactly what they felt at the time, just as I did: “I am just trying to get to know you…”, “I only want to be friends…” or “I am not looking for a relationship…” The unfortunate part is I have learned that, as a hopeful woman (at times way too hopeful) I heard only what I wanted to hear. I read into their words and thought ‘he must care’ and/or ‘this is just the beginning, he will want more.’ Sometimes (most often) they do not want more and clearly stated that.
There are occasions that a person will tell you lies and promise you the sun and the moon, just to ‘hump and dump’. Sometimes they will even come back for more (of course they do, who wouldn’t!!!). College was my first experience with being played. I was told how he had wanted me the whole time I was in another relationship and I believed him, with the help of an inebriate mind. We spent the night together and then he barely talked to me again… until he wanted more sexy time with me, then he was a sweet talker all over again. I later found out he had another girlfriend at the same time. I learned quickly after that that some people can flat out lie, but after my divorce, hope was at an all-time high again.
Being single as an adult (after divorce) is a whole new ball game. Unfortunately, we still get played and we still learn the hard way. I have had casual relationships that I convinced myself would turn into forever. I would see how sweet he was when we had sex and know that he wanted to be with me, ‘he just didn’t know how to show it.’ What the hell was I thinking? I once heard that men and women think clearly at opposite times when it comes to sex and I completely agree. Women (dumbass, hopeful romantics we can be) think clearly before sex and end in a dreamy state of happiness and hopefulness. Men, on the other hand, aren’t thinking clearly until after that satisfying orgasm. It is then that their thoughts clear and they remember what it was they really wanted before they began focusing on nothing more than getting inside of you. But most can think clearly enough before sex to know not to mention words like forever, relationship, or love.
What women need to know is it isn’t always YOU that they do not want, it is a commitment that they do not want! We often take this after-the-fact rejection personally. We should not. A lot of people are afraid of commitment and they usually will let us know, if only subtly. This brings me back to my story. Though, he was not someone I would want a relationship with, I had made myself clear that I wasn’t looking for a relationship and we were just friends. I was honest with him, even after we were drunk and ready to commit the act. In my defense, I thought ‘what MAN turns down oral sex?! Why should I?!’ After being offered it all night, I decided that I would take him up on the offer, but was clear it was just that… sex. The issue was he heard what he wanted, much like I had and many of my friends have time and time again. Hell, as soon as we finished I said, “this never happened” and indeed we fist bumped on it. So when the message came the next day as if we were now an item, I realized I AM THE MAN in this situation and got scared. I didn’t want him! I do have regard for feelings and made myself clear, just as they often do.
Honestly, this story has opened my eyes to the fact that people do say what they mean. We, on the receiving end, have to listen to ONLY what is being said. We need to take note of what is NOT being said and take all this at face value. Am I “savage”? NO! But, to tell the story and use that word is funny and empowering. Also, I can pass along the lesson to my overly hopeless and dreamy-eyed friends… because I am savage AF.
Women have long been on the losing end of a ‘hit it and quit it’ arrangement that they thought was going to lead to more. The very perpetrators that can be called savage in these situations probably said exactly what they felt at the time, just as I did: “I am just trying to get to know you…”, “I only want to be friends…” or “I am not looking for a relationship…” The unfortunate part is I have learned that, as a hopeful woman (at times way too hopeful) I heard only what I wanted to hear. I read into their words and thought ‘he must care’ and/or ‘this is just the beginning, he will want more.’ Sometimes (most often) they do not want more and clearly stated that.
There are occasions that a person will tell you lies and promise you the sun and the moon, just to ‘hump and dump’. Sometimes they will even come back for more (of course they do, who wouldn’t!!!). College was my first experience with being played. I was told how he had wanted me the whole time I was in another relationship and I believed him, with the help of an inebriate mind. We spent the night together and then he barely talked to me again… until he wanted more sexy time with me, then he was a sweet talker all over again. I later found out he had another girlfriend at the same time. I learned quickly after that that some people can flat out lie, but after my divorce, hope was at an all-time high again.
Being single as an adult (after divorce) is a whole new ball game. Unfortunately, we still get played and we still learn the hard way. I have had casual relationships that I convinced myself would turn into forever. I would see how sweet he was when we had sex and know that he wanted to be with me, ‘he just didn’t know how to show it.’ What the hell was I thinking? I once heard that men and women think clearly at opposite times when it comes to sex and I completely agree. Women (dumbass, hopeful romantics we can be) think clearly before sex and end in a dreamy state of happiness and hopefulness. Men, on the other hand, aren’t thinking clearly until after that satisfying orgasm. It is then that their thoughts clear and they remember what it was they really wanted before they began focusing on nothing more than getting inside of you. But most can think clearly enough before sex to know not to mention words like forever, relationship, or love.
What women need to know is it isn’t always YOU that they do not want, it is a commitment that they do not want! We often take this after-the-fact rejection personally. We should not. A lot of people are afraid of commitment and they usually will let us know, if only subtly. This brings me back to my story. Though, he was not someone I would want a relationship with, I had made myself clear that I wasn’t looking for a relationship and we were just friends. I was honest with him, even after we were drunk and ready to commit the act. In my defense, I thought ‘what MAN turns down oral sex?! Why should I?!’ After being offered it all night, I decided that I would take him up on the offer, but was clear it was just that… sex. The issue was he heard what he wanted, much like I had and many of my friends have time and time again. Hell, as soon as we finished I said, “this never happened” and indeed we fist bumped on it. So when the message came the next day as if we were now an item, I realized I AM THE MAN in this situation and got scared. I didn’t want him! I do have regard for feelings and made myself clear, just as they often do.
Honestly, this story has opened my eyes to the fact that people do say what they mean. We, on the receiving end, have to listen to ONLY what is being said. We need to take note of what is NOT being said and take all this at face value. Am I “savage”? NO! But, to tell the story and use that word is funny and empowering. Also, I can pass along the lesson to my overly hopeless and dreamy-eyed friends… because I am savage AF.
Thursday, June 15, 2017
Toilet Paper Tears and Memories
While in the bathroom at work one morning I realized that the two or three rolls of toilet paper that were mostly gone that I had put on the back of the toilet were in the trash. Why!? Who would throw away rolls that only had enough paper left for one, maybe two uses? Someone who most likely thinks I am crazy when they stumbled upon that sight. Someone who judges the strange rituals of another human being. Someone who doesn’t know why I save these rolls that others would toss in the trash. We often judge the behaviors and actions of others without thinking through the reason behind those behaviors. Some might chalk it up to being frugal or lazy. It was much deeper than that for me to save these scant rolls, but I hadn’t even realized why I was doing it until I started to weep over the sight of them laying in the trash can.
Everyday we observe others doing things we question. Why does an athlete wear a gold thong or eat chicken before every game? Why do people get certain tattoos that seem odd or awkward to us? Why does someone arrange their furniture a certain way or park their car in a different location? Chances are there is a specific reason behind each of these actions that the perpetrator may or may not realize is causing them to do what they do.
What hadn’t really occurred to me was there was a very unique reason I kept toilet paper rolls with only a small amount on them. It was not that I was afraid that one day I would run out and would need to scavenge for any paper I could find; nor was it that I was too short to reach the trash can while sitting on the toilet as my wonderful co-worker jokingly suggested. The reason I was doing this, as I figured out, was a person who was very close to me, and unfortunately no longer living, did this at his apartment. It would seem I was subconsciously keeping his memory alive by doing the same. A strange homage that I hadn’t even realized I was carrying out until I saw these precious rolls in the trash… and cried. Yes, cried… while sitting, pants down, on the toilet at work.
Upon my realization that the coworker thought I was crazy and I would have to explain, I had to analyze why I only do this at work and not home. I am the only one who uses this particular bathroom at work, but why am I not doing it at home? I came to realize that at work I feel alone. There is only one other person in my office and he is very busy. The solitude gives me more time to think of lost loved ones. At home I have two daughters that inhabit the home and bathroom and toilet paper seems to be the thing that we use faster than anything. I don’t think there is time to leave the last few sheets because it isn’t always me using the end of the roll and changing them out... and they go so fast! So work is the only place I have done this which left my coworker very amused.
There are other things I do that can easily be traced to past experiences, whether good or bad, that others may find awkward, silly or annoying; from my fear of being hurt by other that leads me to automatically jumping to the negative conclusion in attempts to deflect some hurt, to the way I may turn my beer can tab to the side (another habit of my late lover). Also, I always have an angel hanging in my car after a particularly rough night when I do not remember driving home. This came after my cousin passed away at 19 and I had hung an angel in my car for her. I truly felt she was my guardian angel there protecting me on my regrettable drive on that night. Every person has these types of habits and behaviors whether acknowledged or not.
Human behavior is derived from emotions, thoughts, and previous experiences, but social norms are also a big culprit. It would seem silly to most that I left this “trash” on the back of the toilet, yet it was rooted in deep emotions for me. My coworker judged me based on social norms and I know I do the same to others, though I strive to rise above judgement everyday. We never know someone’s backstory and a quick question that we feel is harmlessly inquisitive may be like a sledgehammer to the gut to that person. We do not want to be judged, just as others do not want to feel judged. This is especially important with the young. We have to be careful how we ask about their actions, taking care to leave out any indication of judgement in our questions. Instead of asking, “why do you do that?” we may say, “that is interesting that you did that. Tell me about it…” Of course, using my social work skills is easy while working with a client, but in everyday, normal life I forget to be sensitive. We all need to treat others as if they are fragile when we do not know what their history may be.
Though some less than desirable behaviors are tough to overcome, they are there for a reason. Whether it is to protect us, to keep memories alive or to avoid something or someone, we should strive to understand the purpose and fully feel the reason they exist. Emotions, good and bad, are important to process. Even negative emotions through pain, hurt or grief are there to serve a purpose. Sometimes we need to look back and remember those emotions, reexperience them for a bit and move on. I don’t want to forget my lover who is now gone. I made choices I sometimes regret with him, and I cannot fix them now. I can learn from them. I can change myself now and for the future. I can keep seeing his face, hearing his voice, reliving the good times we had together, even if it is through some silly habit like saving three squares of toilet paper on a roll. My coworker may think I am crazy, but he brought to light the reason I do this, and I shed a tear or two in my realization. I opened my coworker’s mind for a minute, remembered my guy and now find it amusing when I see the new, barely-any-left roll that I have since salvaged. And I smile! And now, I share with my story in hopes that you evaluate, remember, and maybe even smile about one of your behaviors. Most importantly, I hope I remind you to save your judgement... just as I save toilet paper rolls.
Everyday we observe others doing things we question. Why does an athlete wear a gold thong or eat chicken before every game? Why do people get certain tattoos that seem odd or awkward to us? Why does someone arrange their furniture a certain way or park their car in a different location? Chances are there is a specific reason behind each of these actions that the perpetrator may or may not realize is causing them to do what they do.
What hadn’t really occurred to me was there was a very unique reason I kept toilet paper rolls with only a small amount on them. It was not that I was afraid that one day I would run out and would need to scavenge for any paper I could find; nor was it that I was too short to reach the trash can while sitting on the toilet as my wonderful co-worker jokingly suggested. The reason I was doing this, as I figured out, was a person who was very close to me, and unfortunately no longer living, did this at his apartment. It would seem I was subconsciously keeping his memory alive by doing the same. A strange homage that I hadn’t even realized I was carrying out until I saw these precious rolls in the trash… and cried. Yes, cried… while sitting, pants down, on the toilet at work.
Upon my realization that the coworker thought I was crazy and I would have to explain, I had to analyze why I only do this at work and not home. I am the only one who uses this particular bathroom at work, but why am I not doing it at home? I came to realize that at work I feel alone. There is only one other person in my office and he is very busy. The solitude gives me more time to think of lost loved ones. At home I have two daughters that inhabit the home and bathroom and toilet paper seems to be the thing that we use faster than anything. I don’t think there is time to leave the last few sheets because it isn’t always me using the end of the roll and changing them out... and they go so fast! So work is the only place I have done this which left my coworker very amused.
There are other things I do that can easily be traced to past experiences, whether good or bad, that others may find awkward, silly or annoying; from my fear of being hurt by other that leads me to automatically jumping to the negative conclusion in attempts to deflect some hurt, to the way I may turn my beer can tab to the side (another habit of my late lover). Also, I always have an angel hanging in my car after a particularly rough night when I do not remember driving home. This came after my cousin passed away at 19 and I had hung an angel in my car for her. I truly felt she was my guardian angel there protecting me on my regrettable drive on that night. Every person has these types of habits and behaviors whether acknowledged or not.
Human behavior is derived from emotions, thoughts, and previous experiences, but social norms are also a big culprit. It would seem silly to most that I left this “trash” on the back of the toilet, yet it was rooted in deep emotions for me. My coworker judged me based on social norms and I know I do the same to others, though I strive to rise above judgement everyday. We never know someone’s backstory and a quick question that we feel is harmlessly inquisitive may be like a sledgehammer to the gut to that person. We do not want to be judged, just as others do not want to feel judged. This is especially important with the young. We have to be careful how we ask about their actions, taking care to leave out any indication of judgement in our questions. Instead of asking, “why do you do that?” we may say, “that is interesting that you did that. Tell me about it…” Of course, using my social work skills is easy while working with a client, but in everyday, normal life I forget to be sensitive. We all need to treat others as if they are fragile when we do not know what their history may be.
Though some less than desirable behaviors are tough to overcome, they are there for a reason. Whether it is to protect us, to keep memories alive or to avoid something or someone, we should strive to understand the purpose and fully feel the reason they exist. Emotions, good and bad, are important to process. Even negative emotions through pain, hurt or grief are there to serve a purpose. Sometimes we need to look back and remember those emotions, reexperience them for a bit and move on. I don’t want to forget my lover who is now gone. I made choices I sometimes regret with him, and I cannot fix them now. I can learn from them. I can change myself now and for the future. I can keep seeing his face, hearing his voice, reliving the good times we had together, even if it is through some silly habit like saving three squares of toilet paper on a roll. My coworker may think I am crazy, but he brought to light the reason I do this, and I shed a tear or two in my realization. I opened my coworker’s mind for a minute, remembered my guy and now find it amusing when I see the new, barely-any-left roll that I have since salvaged. And I smile! And now, I share with my story in hopes that you evaluate, remember, and maybe even smile about one of your behaviors. Most importantly, I hope I remind you to save your judgement... just as I save toilet paper rolls.
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