Loss and Career Changes

I was recently asked to speak to some high school students about my career in the social work field. I used to work with high school students that were at-risk of not graduating on time, if at all, while working for a not-for-profit agency. The problem is I no longer work in the social work field. I made a complete career change at 41. Now I  work in the for-profit business world; more specifically, I work for an electrical contractor in the construction field. To be asked to speak to students at one time would have been an honor, but now I have to ask myself, “Am I happy with my career change and can I be honest with students about the reasons I made this choice?” After all, I made the decision to switch fields after a couple of very hard years professionally, as well as personally. I know that I am not ashamed to admit that sometimes we have to put our own mental health above everyone else’s, so maybe my story is exactly what these students need to hear.

I went to college right out of high school with a strong desire to “help others” be successful in their lives after they have had to endure hardships. Like many in the social work field, I had endured my share of hardships in my own family. I learned that the school counselor was someone I could confide in and she made me feel as if I was not alone. I went on to earn a bachelor’s degree in psychology and human services and worked in social work right after college. After many different types of jobs in social work I landed in a not-for-profit agency working full-time in this same high school I was recently asked to speak at. To say I loved my job is a severe understatement. I became “mom” at school and kids confided in me, parents looked to me for guidance and I was as close, if not closer to some students than their own mothers. Though working for a not-for-profit was not financially rewarding and did not offer health insurance. For the sake of my family I was forced to make a tough choice to change jobs for better benefits.

The fall before I made the choice to change jobs, I lost a man who was my best friend. We had dated and separated, but were closer than ever and he had finally told me he loved me. A reconciliation was inevitable. Then just weeks later he died in a tragic accident. While going through grief counseling, my unprofessional and incompetent therapist talked me into starting a master’s degree program. Probably not the best decision to be making in the midst of tragedy, but a decision I made. Around the same time I started working in the mental health field as a case manager. This was the job that brought me to my knees. I was working with one of the toughest populations and drug abuse, especially heroin, was on the rise. I was soon dealing with heroin deaths and their families. It seemed I couldn’t escape death. I was also in the middle of a court case with my ex-husband that left me a full-time single, mother. And… did I mention, my next male companion, at this time, was diagnosed with cancer and I did what I can only assume every woman does who has already lost a significant other: I ran. There was much more to this decision, but the point is I chose to walk away from him in his time of need to protect myself. Then, five short months later, as we were laying my 57-year-old uncle to rest, I found out he too would pass. And he did. Now I was facing the extreme emotions of losing someone I cared for but chose to leave to avoid losing someone again. Life seemed out of control.

Two personal loses, a family loss, a mentally challenging full-time job, and a full-time master’s program all within a time frame of less than 2 years… I still am not sure how I made it through. I would work all day at my mental health job and work all night on my master’s program. I was in charge of so many other people’s mental health that I was neglecting my own. This is around the same time I posted on Facebook that I wanted to make a complete career change. I had to save my sanity. Luckily I had a friend who knew of a job opening in an expanding electrical contracting office. One does not simply go from a years long social work/not-for-profit career into the business world. Yet this is exactly what I did. After meeting with the branch manager and simply being straight with him, he decided he liked my honest and blunt ways and hired me. Almost a year later and I love the job, lower stress level and not having to put everyone else’s mental and emotional needs before my own. I quit the master’s program with no plans of returning at this point. I put myself first with little loss in pay, more benefits, a wonderful schedule and a job that is still challenging enough to make me truly happy with my decision.

I know I have made the best decision for me... and my daughters, and I have been open with many people about the journey that has brought me here. So, can I go into the high school I love and tell students that I WAS a social worker? Sure I can. I still know the field well enough to provide them with valuable information. Can I be honest about not working in the field anymore and why I decided to change career paths? Yes! I believe we often neglect to put enough significance on not only doing what makes us happy but putting your own needs first. I definitely think we need to tell students and young people that it is ok to change your career and life to make yourself and ultimately everyone you love happier. I will go talk to the students who are interested in social work because at one time I wanted to be just like the school counselor who helped me make the decision to become a social worker. I will not sway them one way or another in their decision, but I will be honest about the awesome field of social work and the idea that it is ok to sometimes be your own social worker in order to help yourself be more successful, whether financially or mentally and emotionally.

Sorry. Not Sorry.

How many times in the grocery store do I find myself apologizing to someone who cut ME off or was in MY way? Too many! I will go to reach for a piece of fruit and someone will bump into me while not paying attention and I say that I am sorry to them. Why should I be sorry that they were not driving their cart in a responsible manner? Yet, women seem to apologize whenever we innocently need something, or genuinely create an issue. Oh hell, we even apologize when it is someone else’s fault or they are in the wrong. Better yet, we are so happy to say we are sorry, we will say it several times for one mistake that is easily fixed. Women seem to be almost addicted to groveling for forgiveness. I will not get into the nature vs. nurture argument that is spinning around in my head, but I have decided to make a change.  No more profusely saying, “I am sorry.” I am going to become stingy with my apologies!

Every day while working in an office where I am the only woman, I recognize the lack of (sometimes warranted) apologies for mistakes that are made by others. On the flip side, I listen as the women I talk to on the phone will say they are sorry for not getting back to me sooner. I know it is not a life-or-death situation so why apologize? I understand we are all busy. My email or phone call can wait for another day or two for your response (if not, there is a little red exclamation point I can click on). Now, if it has been two weeks, yes, an apology may be necessary but two days is hardly grounds for more than one, “sorry, I was out sick yesterday.” I get that circumstances may have been out of your control but ONE APOLOGY or explanation is sufficient. I also find myself apologizing when I miss a call from someone in our other office. I was busy… working!!! I am not sorry that I missed your call, so why do I say it over and over? “I was unloading a shipment when you called” is more than enough when I immediately call back to inquire of their need.

Interestingly enough I judge a man on his use of the word “sorry” in the dating realm, and I am not sorry for this. Though, true to the estrogen-way, I notice myself texting or saying that I am sorry for little things when communicating with men. After a while it makes me feel submissive. If he never uses it, when I feel he should, I see a red flag. Do these unapologetic men feel that they are perfect and never guilty of mistakes?! Then there are other guys who will say they are sorry for little things, like texting when I am busy or asking to come over too late at night. I find this a great indication of his manners, yet if her overuses the word then I begin to feel as if he is weak or I become numb to his apologies. Unfortunately, I have been in relationships where the man will use “sorry” after every time he cheats. Oh hell no! That word means nothing after the first (ok, maybe second) time! By the third or fourth time you might as well just say, “haha, fuck you! I am gonna feed you some bullshit in hopes to keep my bed warm with you while I jump around in other women's beds repeatedly.” (note: it isn’t always other beds, it can be cars, offices or the breakroom outback, but that is another blog). Due to the way this word has been loosely used it has lost its value. We either over use it, use it insincerely, or people do not use it at all. I am going to personally change this in my life.

Apologizing is just another habit for me and most women, in my opinion. We say we are sorry when our kids have a bad day, we say we are sorry if we say something that others don’t want to hear (but may need to hear), we say we are sorry…. JUST TOO MUCH! But I AM sorry when my kid has a bad day and I do mean that. When saying it to them I do it differently. I am usually holding them, and we are having a heartfelt conversation. This makes sense! When we are saying it because it is habit, it is said quickly... and I may even roll my eyes. Clearly not genuine. In my quest to give this word back its power I am going to make sure when I say it I mean it. I am going to have thought it through and made damn sure I am serious about the apology. In a perfect world (bahahahahahahaa… or as close as I can come) I will look the person in the eye, tell them I was wrong, explain why I feel I need to apologize, and say it sincerely… only ONCE! Of course if it comes across as being heartfelt that is all I should have to say it. Less equals more if the one time apology has depth. Hopefully I will personally break my habit and this will bring power back to my apologies and the word “sorry.”