Happy Tears

Thanks to Snapchat filters a lot of my weekend mornings are spent laying in bed with my 16-year-old laughing to the point of tears and achy cheeks. Pictures and videos with strange voices and silly face shapes have become a unique connection between us via carefree humor. Being the mother of two teenage daughters, the youngest being 13, was obviously in my destiny and has created some highs and lows on my life’s path. Being a single mom was not on my list of life goals, but it is where my journey has taken me. I take pride in the good times and they are easily handled, but through some of the low points (as will happen with teenagers) I have felt like I am stranded on an iceberg, cold, alone and about to drown.

Teenagers face different adversities than we did when we were young. With the use of social media they have not learned the social skills we have because a lot of their social time is spent in front of a lighted screen, not face-to-face. Kids say things they would not say to each other through social media, date people they have never met and have a much larger “friend” base than we did. As a single, middle-age mother in the dating world dealing with new electronic and web-based social issues, I can sometimes relate more easily to my daughters because of it. There are times we are going through similar issues and I feel as if we learn from each other’s mistakes. Unfortunately, there are always going to be problems that break a green teenager down to the point of tears, hurt and even depression. Those times make me feel helpless and makes it hard to parent confidently. Its these emotional times when it is hard to be a single mom navigating parenting alone.

Friends are a good source of support. Friends who are single mothers help to validate choices we are forced to make and emotions we will undoubtedly go through. And through the convenience of the electronic age we can easily shoot our girl-gang texts and messages, as well as support them on Facebook with comments and posts. These friends allow us nights out for drinks and laughs where we can finally have adult conversations and get the “in person” interactions our generation is accustomed to having. We can also discuss adult matters that we cannot discuss with our children, like work, aging, dating and exes.

Speaking of exes (ex-holes as I have become fond of saying), most of us who have kids have an ex to deal with. My ex is not often a supportive co-parent. He quickly went on to marry someone who is childless and doesn’t have parenting experience. It seems with his new journey his values (the very values we at one time agreed on) have changed and therefore the way he parents has changed. He seems to completely drop the ball on follow-through with our original vision of parenting values and practices. When I do try to gleen support from him he will undermine our confidential conversations by saying things to her like, “Your mom said your boyfriend is a jerk…” He knows that his actions may make her not trust me but what he doesn’t see is no one wins in this situation, not even him. She is mad at me for telling him and mad at him for only choosing to parent part-time. His logic has never been healthy, hence the divorce, and long gone is the hope that we could co-parent after the separation and that he would continue to be supportive to me.

Despite my marriage issues, I have felt as if I were stronger than most women and could handle being the sole caregiver of my daughters. I have supported them through thick and thin like She-Woman. We have laughed together, cried together and worked through everything successfully to date, but there are times that I feel I need support. When I feel wiped out and all my strength is spent, I crave someone to be MY supportive caregiver. Something as simple as a warm hug, a shoulder to cry on, a person who can make me feel protected as if they are able to take away my fears and less-than-desirable emotions. At times I want to feel like the weight of our household and the girls’ lives does not ride solely on my back (and mind). Just having another person to back me up, or validate the reasons behind my choices as a parent would be wonderful.

Do not get me wrong, I handle it all well and only feel this way a few minutes of each day, but am being honest in my admission that being a single mom is hard sometimes. I suppose it is hard for single dads in similar and different ways. I certainly know I have handled it well for the past seven years, with little male support. Sometimes I can feel lonely in my own home when they are both here but hiding out in their respective rooms doing what teenaged girls do. But, at the end of the day I would not change my decision to divorce my ex. I am fine alone since I have not found a suitable mate to join our family team. The girls and I lean on each other and they seem to know when I need a break. Every other weekend when they are at their dad’s house is a great respite (a benefit of divorce many do not want to admit to). I know they will be gone someday and that is a whole other area of stress. For now I am doing fine as a single mother. In spite of the stress and occasional feelings of helplessness, I have stayed out of the psych ward and no one has died. We are a team and have learned to have fun, laugh and use social media such as Snapchat to bring us together and entertain us, sometimes to the point of tears…. Happy, laughing tears!

Dating: I don't Need You!

A friend of mine recently said after a date, “Everything seems different now that I’m not young and looking to be in love and start a family.” This is very true to us middle-age women in the dating world who have been married (some of us more than once) and have kids that are capable of being left unattended without the fear of death, for the most part. We are at a different stage of life, looking for different things, and with a much lower tolerance for people and behaviors that do not compliment our current lifestyle.

When we are young and starting out in the relationship realm we are green and malleable. We have not had life experiences that influence so much of what we want and will put up with. Social acceptance is important. We want our friends to approve, and we want to be accepted by our peers. We are driven by much more primal instincts, the biggest being sex! As hormones run rampant we are attracted to others by physical appearances. We want to be with someone we want to get naked with or at least be seen in public with. An important part of this is we had not yet learned to… ahem… love ourselves. Most of us didn’t own a self-stimulation device or even know how to please ourselves before our first real, long-term relationship. This made staying with someone to satisfy physical needs a driving force in many of our early relationships.

Before I was married my dating life was much more simple. I didn’t have kids to worry about and I didn’t have to plan dating and sex around parenting time. I didn’t have to worry about when was the right time to introduce a man to my kids. Also, I didn’t have ties to the area. I could imagine moving far away with my partner  without the need to stay close to the “other parent” for the kids’ sake. In my twenties, I was not yet set in my ways. I thought I could “learn” to appreciate my partner’s lifestyle differences, his behaviors and interests. I also didn’t have a career with my own money.  I had the traditional hopes of being in a partnership where we share everything: bills, plans, bank accounts, kids, future financial goals, an active sex life, etc.

Now, in my early 40’s, I have a divorce under my belt, two teenage daughters, family that I want to stick close to, my own income, a house I maintain on my own, and a vibrator! I am not looking for anyone to take care of me. I have learned that sex does not equal love and sometimes it is just a ‘need’ that I can easily take care of solo or with some guy who I know will leave when we are done, allow me to sleep in my own bed alone and not demand breakfast in the morning. We date for different reasons than when we were young. Long gone are the Disney-driven dreams of happy marriages and goals of perfect family compositions.

Dating now revolves around kids’ schedules, work demands, social desires, and life goals. After several failed relationships I realize that love is something I feel for someone, but doesn’t tie me to that person. I have loved several men that I easily walked away from because they are not a good fit in my life or my kids’ lives. If they are lazy and feel entitled to everything they haven’t worked for then they are not worthy of my time and definitely not going to be someone I keep around as a negative influence on my kids. If they are not looking to be part of our family or to make strategic changes toward a successful future, they will be dropped like an expensive cable provider. If he is more work than enjoyment, he will only remain part of my past, not my future.

My goals now are for companionship, partnership, sharing of family and responsibilities in attempts to make the life I have left to live more tolerable and successful. The physical desires are less important. In your 40s you are going to put up with erectile dysfunction if he comes through as an emotional support and shows his love by putting in equal effort in the relationship. If his goals are aligned with mine for the future then I can more easily tolerate some less than desirable behaviors. Now that I am not looking to have kids and no longer believe that I can fall madly, deeply in love with someone, I will bend on some issues. But make no mistake, if he is not looking to make positive changes and strive to make a committed life-long partnership and progress in life, I do not need him. A glaring realization to dating in my 40s is “I DO NOT NEED ANYONE”. Once you have done it all on your own, and I have for seven years, you realize you do not NEED anyone. I only WANT a man to compliment the life I have already made for myself and my kids. I have lived without many wants up to this point, and know that a man is just another want I can live without.

Whether a blessing or a curse (I can really see it both ways) I am an independent woman. I make my own money, pay my own bills, know where every penny goes each month, make choices and plans I feel are best for my family, and know what I need to work on for future goals. I know I will be fine alone. I will not settle for anything that doesn’t create happiness and embellish my current lifestyle. Do not get me wrong, I would love to have a partner in my life; someone to count on for weekend relaxing, help around the house, family vacations and regular romps in the bedroom. But for now, until I find someone who is a decent fit, I am content with my life. I have family and friends that provide for my social needs, I can maintain a home by myself, I have positive and successful goals for my future and most importantly, I know how to ‘love myself’ both emotionally and with the help of my vibrator!