How Did I Become THAT Mom?

     Gluten-free, Vegan, Keto…. These words make my head spin. It seems you can’t escape the recipes and updates on Facebook. When in a restaurant there is inevitably someone asking, “is this gluten-free? Do you have Vegan….? Have you tried the Keto diet?” Along with those statements come many eye rolls from others. Often it was me; I would shake my head, roll my eyes and make an off-handed comment to whomever was with me. Alas, in roughly the last 5 months I have become THAT Mom who asks about a gluten-free menu.

     From the time my daughters were born, both were very picky eaters. A healthy diet has never really been a norm for them. So when my youngest, at 14, started having bowel issues I chalked it up to poor diet. We began with vitamins and fiber to help her many bathroom trips a day. I had the backing of everyone in our lives who knew her love of chicken strips, chicken nuggets, french fries and peanut butter sandwiches. What about veggies, you ask… so did she. She didn’t care for or about them. Fruit wasn’t even part of her diet. Unfortunately, her symptoms progressed over the next month and a half. A coworker finally said, “She cannot sh*t herself all the time; get her to the doctor!” So I did. We went to Urgent Care and it was that day I was made aware she had blood in her stool by hearing her tell the nurse. I felt like the worst mother in the world. How did she not tell ME this? We were sent home to collect a sample. This was when my life changed drastically. There was blood… LOTS OF BLOOD! I panicked and we ended up in the Emergency Room at the insistence of Urgent Care staff.

     After about a month and half wait after our ER visit, we finally got to see a Pediatric Gastroenterologist. No other doctor would even touch her since she was only 14. He quickly did labs and got us in within a day or two for surgical testing. They probed her from the top and bottom and we were told she had two chronic diseases: Celiac Disease and Ulcerative Colitis (UC). Both would be life-long struggles.

     The more severe of her issues was the Ulcerative Colitis. She was immediately put on steroids and several other medications due to a her body not absorbing needed nutrients. At one point she was taking 19 pills a day. Some pills have since gone and we are still trying to find the correct treatment for the UC, which will be a struggle for a while and a lifetime regimine. Celiac disease is only treated by a strict gluten-free (GF) diet. Sounds easy enough, right? Well for my kid, it actually was. We found foods that were premade substitutes for foods she loved, even pizza! Her tests for Celiac disease are getting close to a good level, but the real struggle of being GF had only just began for us.

     Being GF at home is manageable. She has her own foods, labeled to avoid cross-contamination, her own cooking equipment and her own counter space that we keep gluten products away from. We have wonderful apps on our phones that allow us to check foods that are not already conveniently marked GF (many are clearly labeled) and even apps that find us restaurants close to wherever we may be that are rated by other GF people. Easy, yes? NO! It finally hit me that I was THAT Mom when we were in a large city for her doctor appointment.
The first restaurant we entered that was provided by the “Find Me GF” app did not have GF food on the menu and employees who were clueless as to whether or not foods were GF. We settled on a pizza restaurant, again suggested and rated well on the aforementioned app. But as we stood in front of a buffet style assortment of toppings and I watched them flop the lump of GF dough onto a press, I began asking THOSE question I would have rolled my eyes at just half a year ago. “Is that a GF dedicated press? Is that a GF dedicated pan? How do you avoid cross-contamination of the sauce? Is that cheese GF?” OMG! I was THAT Mom!!!!!!

     I would like to think that we are in a society of tolerance, but I see the funny comic strips where Jesus is surrounded by his disciples as they ask, “Is there mercury in that fish?” “Is that bread gluten-free?” I understand that we humans have probably caused our current medical issues with modification of foods and growing methods. Unfortunately, I cannot take away my daughter’s disease. I have seen the issues she has had from both UC and eating just a small amount of gluten, after she eliminated it from her diet. It is not pleasant. None of use want to be sick and in a restroom half the day feeling like our insides are a hot mess. As a mom, there is nothing I can do to permanently help her. Prevention of symptoms is my only tool. Therefore, I will be THAT Mom if that is my only “superpower” in the injustice she has been served. I will ask questions, I will hold up a line, I will walk out, I will educate, I will ignore the eye-rolls and comments because I am her only Mom and advocate… and I will take one for the team. Good Moms do what they need to for our kids even if someone is saying, “Ugh, she is THAT mom!”

Cultivate Positive

Currently my personal mantra is, “Cultivate positive, revel in it, move on and continue to treasure that memory.” It has been a struggle to walk away from great experiences while remaining happy. Once the good experience ends I begin to focus on the negative aspects, such as, “why don’t I make more time for fun?” Or “Why is life so difficult?” and even “Why doesn’t he want more with me?” I get hung up on expectations I have for the future instead of being grateful for the wonderful time that I had.

I recently started to get to know someone and thought I would be interested in pursuing a relationship with him. He had some intriguing talents that I have always found desirable in a man. He invited me to go camping one night and I gladly accepted. We had a great time but I realized he missed his old lifestyle that he had claimed to be moving away from. The problem was, his old lifestyle would not fit into my current lifestyle...nor my future goals. So, I walked away from a wonderful weekend focusing on the negative feeling of disappointment. Why? I knew it wouldn’t work, but allowed myself to focus on the let-down of another failed relationship attempt instead of basking in the fun, exciting, positive experience we had shared together.

Positive experiences seem to come more sporadically in life as we get older. We begin to fall into a pattern of simply ‘living’ and then have to put forth effort to make new, fun, and exciting experiences. The camping trip was just that: fun, loving and new. Even if I knew from the beginning, which I did to an extent, that it was a short-lived “fling”, why not enjoy it for what it was? Besides, what else would I have been doing that weekend other than working on a house I had just purchased? It was exciting to live in the moment, enjoy the company and feel at one with nature. I have always been drawn to living mindfully, but do not often practice that “in the moment” focus. I fall back into the confines of expectation. 

On the heels of this experience, an ex-boyfriend and I decided to get together on a casual-basis to enjoy some adult time. Our sex life was always wonderful, so why would I refuse to relive that? Expectation would want me to think that things would move into a relationship, yet I have thus far resisted obsessing over that and have done well by simply enjoying the fun, positive and warm trysts. I have had to remind myself that what we had was good, yet fell apart quickly and confusingly.  Even if I want to be back to the happy relationship we once had, it is perfectly fine to allow the random times of happiness without looking ahead and assuming it is leading somewhere. Even if it is just one good night, it is better than a boring or bad night. It has felt freeing to live in the moment and to accept the positive!

I have shared my mantra with my friends who know I am a bit of a free-spirit because I do what I want and do not need anyone’s acceptance. I hope they can take some wisdom from my stories and create happier, more fulfilling lives for themselves. That is my goal. I want more positive, happy, and healthy experiences. I want to reduce the expectations that seem to leave me disappointed and often overshadow the good in life. There is good to be had every minute and we should be grateful, but when there is something that can be more positive we need to soak it in, store it in our memories and relive those memories as often as possible. We seem to have enough struggles and therefore deserve all the positive we can get in life.

Thirsty for Life: The Importance of Girls Night and Adult Friends

Work, kids, laundry, workouts, dates, housework, yard work, bills, groceries…. Life gets so busy there isn’t much time for “fun”. Things get monotonous with the same, week after week rituals and let’s be honest, “fun” with the kids gets stagnant. After many years in a marriage that was less than healthy, I lost contact with a lot of my friends; and sometimes I need adult conversation with someone other than my two teenage daughters and the men I work with. As a single mother I need a break from the norm to reignite a sense of excitement and belonging.

After my divorce it took several years to come to a place where I felt comfortable living again and owning my womanhood. Honestly, for a long time I thought “living” was dating men that I only hoped would turn into long-term partnership. It wasn’t until I started commiserating with other divorced, single mothers about those ridiculous men that I realized I may not ever want to be tied down again, whether in a marriage or a committed relationship. But that can be lonely. Then, after listening to one single friend that had kids full-time (no father visitations) I decided she needed to have grown-up conversations and to get away from her three boys. That is when I realized that she could get a small respite from the kids by spending one night a week with me at a local restaurant that happened to have a decent bar smack dab in the middle of it. It also allowed me some friend time, away from home. And so it began… one night out for drinks with a friend with whom I shared a lot in common.

This friend is a distant cousin that I had never been close with until we started having our mini-”therapy” sessions. It was good to get to know each other better and the conversations about kids and exes quickly turned into conversations about dating. I had been divorced a bit longer than her and had been dating since then, so I felt like I was giving her what no one had given me: honest experiences and advice to save her from the hell that can be divorced-single-mom life. This included advice on dealing with your ex-hole, handling kids on your own and dating douchebags. Soon we added another friend who is in a similar situation to our group and other women (some married) would join us some nights, as well. This became a weekly Girls Night that has now fallen on Thirsty Thursdays.

Once a week “girls night” allowed us to get out of the house, have adult conversations, develop new relationships, and relax with a drink. These nights always brought great stories, validation, advice and above all LAUGHS. Some nights there would be men hovering around trying to hit on us (we weren’t there for that), new women to share stories with, or old friends who happened to come in for a meal. And from all of these weekly experiences we had things to laugh about a few weeks later while we were all together again.

After a few months of our girls nights I realized I felt like I had purpose again, besides trying to find a male companion and work like a soldier to provide for kids. I felt a sense of belonging and had something to look forward to each week. I was making new memories and feeling alive. I had a group of friends that I could rely on. I wasn’t lonely and relied less on dating to squash my loneliness. I also hear that when our kids see each other at school they make jokes about our Thirsty Thursday nights. I feel a sense of pride that my daughters see me take time for me and put myself first, at least one night a week, because if you learn anything after divorce it is that no one is going to put you first except YOU. Kids need, need, need. Men seem to put you first when it is convenient for them or they want something in return. Family members have their own lives. I am setting an example for my daughters. Self-care is great for mental and emotional health.

Now, over a year later, I have a serious male companion and I am lucky that he understands the sacredness of Thirsty Thursday Girls Night. He knows that my group of girlfriends is important to me and I am not willing to give up my friends again like I did in my marriage. I will always find time to see my girlfriends and tend to my own independence and mental health, just as I encourage him to do. Hell, he even comes out with us on rare nights away from his job. He enjoys the camaraderie as much as we do because he see the value in it. We all see the value in friendships and relaxation, because by Thursday we are all pretty damned Thirsty for a break from the norm and for our Girls Night.