Everyday we observe others doing things we question. Why does an athlete wear a gold thong or eat chicken before every game? Why do people get certain tattoos that seem odd or awkward to us? Why does someone arrange their furniture a certain way or park their car in a different location? Chances are there is a specific reason behind each of these actions that the perpetrator may or may not realize is causing them to do what they do.
What hadn’t really occurred to me was there was a very unique reason I kept toilet paper rolls with only a small amount on them. It was not that I was afraid that one day I would run out and would need to scavenge for any paper I could find; nor was it that I was too short to reach the trash can while sitting on the toilet as my wonderful co-worker jokingly suggested. The reason I was doing this, as I figured out, was a person who was very close to me, and unfortunately no longer living, did this at his apartment. It would seem I was subconsciously keeping his memory alive by doing the same. A strange homage that I hadn’t even realized I was carrying out until I saw these precious rolls in the trash… and cried. Yes, cried… while sitting, pants down, on the toilet at work.
Upon my realization that the coworker thought I was crazy and I would have to explain, I had to analyze why I only do this at work and not home. I am the only one who uses this particular bathroom at work, but why am I not doing it at home? I came to realize that at work I feel alone. There is only one other person in my office and he is very busy. The solitude gives me more time to think of lost loved ones. At home I have two daughters that inhabit the home and bathroom and toilet paper seems to be the thing that we use faster than anything. I don’t think there is time to leave the last few sheets because it isn’t always me using the end of the roll and changing them out... and they go so fast! So work is the only place I have done this which left my coworker very amused.
There are other things I do that can easily be traced to past experiences, whether good or bad, that others may find awkward, silly or annoying; from my fear of being hurt by other that leads me to automatically jumping to the negative conclusion in attempts to deflect some hurt, to the way I may turn my beer can tab to the side (another habit of my late lover). Also, I always have an angel hanging in my car after a particularly rough night when I do not remember driving home. This came after my cousin passed away at 19 and I had hung an angel in my car for her. I truly felt she was my guardian angel there protecting me on my regrettable drive on that night. Every person has these types of habits and behaviors whether acknowledged or not.
Human behavior is derived from emotions, thoughts, and previous experiences, but social norms are also a big culprit. It would seem silly to most that I left this “trash” on the back of the toilet, yet it was rooted in deep emotions for me. My coworker judged me based on social norms and I know I do the same to others, though I strive to rise above judgement everyday. We never know someone’s backstory and a quick question that we feel is harmlessly inquisitive may be like a sledgehammer to the gut to that person. We do not want to be judged, just as others do not want to feel judged. This is especially important with the young. We have to be careful how we ask about their actions, taking care to leave out any indication of judgement in our questions. Instead of asking, “why do you do that?” we may say, “that is interesting that you did that. Tell me about it…” Of course, using my social work skills is easy while working with a client, but in everyday, normal life I forget to be sensitive. We all need to treat others as if they are fragile when we do not know what their history may be.
Though some less than desirable behaviors are tough to overcome, they are there for a reason. Whether it is to protect us, to keep memories alive or to avoid something or someone, we should strive to understand the purpose and fully feel the reason they exist. Emotions, good and bad, are important to process. Even negative emotions through pain, hurt or grief are there to serve a purpose. Sometimes we need to look back and remember those emotions, reexperience them for a bit and move on. I don’t want to forget my lover who is now gone. I made choices I sometimes regret with him, and I cannot fix them now. I can learn from them. I can change myself now and for the future. I can keep seeing his face, hearing his voice, reliving the good times we had together, even if it is through some silly habit like saving three squares of toilet paper on a roll. My coworker may think I am crazy, but he brought to light the reason I do this, and I shed a tear or two in my realization. I opened my coworker’s mind for a minute, remembered my guy and now find it amusing when I see the new, barely-any-left roll that I have since salvaged. And I smile! And now, I share with my story in hopes that you evaluate, remember, and maybe even smile about one of your behaviors. Most importantly, I hope I remind you to save your judgement... just as I save toilet paper rolls.
