Dear Ex-Husband’s next Ex-Wife*:
It must be hard to be going through your first divorce. He told you he loved you, and he does. He told you he would be with you forever, and he will be if you let him. He told you he would be loyal. He lied. He told you he would stop his bad, unhealthy habits. He lied. He told you he would work at being a better husband. He lied. He always lies.
When you first started talking he told you how horrible I was. I was unloving and cheating. He lied. He told you I was cold to him, and a bad mom. He lied. He told you he wanted our divorce. He lied. What you don’t understand is at one time I was exactly where you are now, but with two young children. I could have given you the playbook to your marriage. I could have told you what to look out for. Yet, you believed him and spread the lies he told you about me, and then some, across three counties. Had you remembered, or even asked anyone first, you would know that I am not even close to the person he painted me as. It is only normal to believe everything a new love interest tells you, but when they are divorced, trust me… you have to have an open mind.
Instead you threw him a divorce party, inviting all of our mutual friends. You told my kids negative things about me for reasons still not understood. Kids know the truth. Your job as a step-parent was to be a good influence, and provide them support, not tear their mother down. Yet you spoke only two words to me the entire time you were with him. You never bothered to get to know who I really am. You blamed me and my kids for your bad relationship with him in spite of all the evidence you found.
Though, I have spent seven years being angry at being the blame for everything that went wrong in your marriage, I have also felt sorry for you. I know how it feels to be treated the way you are being treated, to feel unloved, unwanted and alone. I have wanted to call you, write you, get through to you that the longer you stay the worse it will get because he lies. For every lie you know, there are many more you do not know. He will lie to cover up lies. He will place the blame on others to divert from the truth. He will hide the evidence and find new ways to do what he wants, and it hurts. I know, because I was there, too.
But he does love you. It isn’t your fault. There is nothing you can do to change him. His demons are deeply seeded. He doesn’t know how to love himself, therefore he can never fully love someone else. Whether or not he lacks empathy is irrelevant, because he lacks the tools and drive to change his ways. He does want to stay, but will most likely not change… and what you have to decide is if you are really ready to change YOU.
After my divorce I have learned to never fully believe someone’s story, even if they are a love interest. Every person has a story, it is only their story and often used to justify their behaviors. I have learned to never assume or judge. I have learn that divorce is never a reason to throw a party, especially when there are kids involved. I have learned to realize that every person who comes into my kids’ lives is an influence, whether good or bad. I have learned that speaking poorly of their parents doesn’t have a positive outcome for anyone. I have learned to see the hurt in others after a divorce no matter which person you are looking at. Divorce sucks. Divorce hurts. Divorce tears apart families. Divorce is sometimes needed. But divorce always has very dark sides to it. I will never place blame or speak publicly about a relationship that I was not part of. Therefore, I will never judge another man’s ex-wife, because she has a story, too. And, most importantly, we can only hope that her story doesn’t someday become our own story.
Sincerely,
Happily Divorced Ex-Wife
